azira hart

rumours has it

2011-07-19T17:17:00.005+08:00

people have asked me who is that boy. budak jahat.budak mean. this is the one.
favourite pic of him. our pic together is in the phone. so lazy to upload. heh!

anyways,i heard pretty messed up rumours about him.
him being married and having a kid. WOAHHH!
beats up his exgf. DOUBLE WOOOAHH!
i just had to go investigate all the crap i heard so i did some digging.

nope he isn't married.
he hasn't have any kids to begin with.
and nope dier bukan pukul bantai kind.
other than that, there are people telling me that i deserve better. that he isn't going to be what i thought he is. and he is a player who is going to break my heart.
i'll decide that next wednesday when i have an assessment with ayn at KGC! heh!

well, things are pretty a-okay. i wanted to surprise him at nuh bustop with choc melts TODAY but i decided against it. didn't want to seem so eager/desperate or hard up. so biarkanlah.
lagipun YUSRI YOU DON'T DESERVE THIS NOW. nope. not today.
i ended the convo at 12.28pm and hasn't heard from him till now, even though he is online tadi on whatsapp.

if this doesn't work out,it's okay babygirl.
atleast when i walk away from my plan, i know ive tried my hardest and it's MY clear conscience. while he watches me leave. well, im not saying that im the best girlfriend he COULD have but i know my worth. he will be lucky if im his.heh! da enough about him. moving onn....

amalina came home to the shores last 28th june and we girls had a blast. just like old times.
i went to sleep over at her place. woke up and went out with her. partied and even went to furama for girls night!
pictures are in fb. too lazy to upload.

alhamdullilah im pretty much good with life and friends. family too. im trying to quit partying and smoking. nope not for the boy or anyone else. my health and since it's nearing to the fasting month, i know it's a good start. insya'allah. i've quit my part time job cause it really has heavy influence factor!

i wrote this (below) on my facebook status. well, muhd yusri ramli, have a read.

a girl/guy can take so much for all the other's actions & words. But one day, he/she will wake up and realise they deserve better.

Wouldn't it be a pity that the person who is willing to put with your worst, is going to leave you.

i spoke too soon

2011-07-17T15:32:00.004+08:00

i spoke too soon and i've met an old primary school friend of mine a few weeks back. maybe two months or so. i wasn't keeping track.

i used to have a crush on him back in primary school. he bumped into each other while i was in JC and once i was with my ex, he decided not to ask for my number.
then we came across each other while i was going to school and him to work.

things got on pretty intensive and quick. i was afraid, scared and unsure.

i've said this to him.
"i know i deserve your mean ways now. im not asking you to forget what happened. im not asking you to be nice cause im nice. you be nice when i deserve it. all im asking is a chance to show my best. you accepted my worst. and now here's my best."

Somewhere between the laughs, long talks and big messy silly fights, i fell in love.

let's see how. oh wells imy. and i fell.

2011-06-09T05:05:00.003+08:00

I NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

MY

FUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKINNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGG

SPACCCCCCCCCCCCCEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

HELLO BABIES..................

IM CHANGING MY NUMBER AND MSN SOOONEST!!!

ANYWAYS, I MISS BEING MYSELF.

i really miss azira.
i really miss nor hazirah binte ishak.

where is she now?
will she meet her man?

im not sure anymore................................

i have officially given up on finding the boy.

june

2011-06-03T03:47:00.002+08:00

things have been haywire with my babygirls and im no longer a part of that. it's okay cause im sure we've better plans, insya'allah.

i've found myself a couple of jobs but i've decided to start on a monday. which is this coming monday! as a.....................SECRET AGENT. i can't elaborate much of my part time job cause i've been warned about letting my company's name out.

school has been hell. let's not talk about it. im waiting for new semester. insya'allah things will be better.

things between me and syedlove have been back to normal. macam bestfriend dulu-dulu (: (:

let's see what else to say. ama is coming home this 28th june!! huhuhuhuh!! im super excited. im sooooo going to uss this time with her. hahah!jom plan jom plan jom plan!!

well,boys in. boys out. i've met many people these past few months and im glad im finally okay with not dating anyone. just going out with people as and whenever i feel like it. im still very openhearted about boys but i guess my boy takes a longer route to me. takpe, aku kasi kau chance, mane tahu kau busy kumpul2 duit. okay merepek. pukul 4am punye humour. bear with me.

ehhhh tadi i just tried searching for anoh's page. why?! not cause im missing him as my bf. im missing him as a friend. as in presence. nak tengok if he's doing well in life and gf. if he is good, alhamdullilah. im happy for him. tak semestinya aku and dia takde jodoh, he doesnt deserve to be happy kan. jodoh orang lain-lain. ohh back to the topic, digress jauh sangat. his page is missing so i asked thaqif to check laa.mane tahu member delete and buat baru or malas sangat nak check. sekali ade but he deleted thaqif and i asked kakak. he also deleted kakak. hmmm asal eh?

well, anoh suke hati kau laaa. hidup kau. but seriously, aku rindu time kite kawan2 rapat2 dulu. pergi kl, buat chalet. shopping2. makan2. memories babe. memories (':

oh wellls, yang pergi tak kan kembali ye kanak-kanak!
okay im going to makan sahur and then sleep. tomorrow kan 1st rejab.

assalamualaikum.

ohh before i forget,im glad i feel peace within me. and im never this satisfied with life. alhamdullilah amin ya-rabbal allamin. (:

last night at O

2011-05-15T18:32:00.000+08:00

it was unexpected bumping into him. the moment i saw him,my heart sank.
i remembered crying buckets throughout the night and even after the club.
it was good talking and ranting to him about what he did to me and i wanted answers but i never got them.
all i heard was "it's not you.it's me."

i think i deserve better than that.really.
i don't think i wanna talk to him anymore.im done.

when i left to take the cab,i hugged real tight. somehow i knew that might be the last one.
right now as im typing this out,im crying. cause it still hurts like fuck.

never i've expected this from you. well,maybe cause i took you for granted.

the bestfriend. well the EX bestfriend.

well well well

2011-05-14T07:49:00.000+08:00

Just because I don’t text you, doesn’t mean I’m not wondering where you are. Just because I don’t call you, doesn’t mean I don’t miss your voice. Just because I don’t talk about you, doesn’t mean I’m not thinking about you. and Just because I don’t say it, doesn’t mean I don’t miss you.

what's new. nothing.

somethings are better off left unsaid.

i lost the friend i called LOVE.

2011-05-04T02:58:00.000+08:00

You know, sometimes the person who understands you the most are not yr boyfriend, girlfriend or even yr best friend. It cld be just a friend. And when you lose that friend, you lose a listening ear. You lose the person that always make you feel awesome even after a major breakdown. Knowing you're not gonna get that anymore, you'll miss that friend.

2011-04-28T17:55:00.002+08:00

blog da makin berabok!

well, the meanboy is angry at my posts but i wasnt defaming you at all. your actions speak for itself.
life is pretty okay right now. and it feels weird not having a bf or date. but things are certainly looking up. it is as though i know that it will happen and he will screw up thus,it affected a lil bit. thank god! maybe cause im used to it too.

well, you meet these nonsensical boys to know exactly what you look or dont look for in a boy. so i know what i want/need in him pretty much now.

school has been drastically boring and i need to buck up like fuck. work? im trying to find a part time job asap. and tuition has been good too.

so why think and ponder on the negativity when i have so much to look forward in life?

trip on my own!

2011-04-26T06:45:00.000+08:00

day 1

there's not much of things that i can
share here in my page right now. it's safe
to say that im right in the company of people
that really care about me. they really
make me happy. with karaoke-ing,eating,shopping
and kopek-ing. well,in total i won nearly 20 sing
dollars. heehee.
bundluck,poker and daidee.
i ate pretty much here from ani's mee rebus,
plaster cheese and maggi goreng all in 3hours.

if i was still dating piee,i don't think i'll
be allowed to go on this trip alone. he was
too possesive and wanting his ways.

well,this is truly a blessing in disguise.
for me to catch him lying and cheating all
the time.
he is turning 25 but he has the mentality of a 5?
age doesn't really say much for him. he is
not someone i see myself with for the long run.

alhamdullilah.

the best thing about moving on is that you let go
the wrong guy and one more step closer to
the right one. (:

have a great tuesday!

i dont know about you

2011-04-11T19:43:00.003+08:00

this boy right here.
i don't know if he's with me cause of easy peasy things. or because he really wants to be with me cause of love.

just some time alone.

2011-04-08T04:14:00.003+08:00

kalau balik happy, terus call orang pasal rindu. tapi kene maki hamun. about lepaking with boys. amacam cakap??!!
(aku memang da biase lepak dengan lelaki 2 people. i know my limits. we just sit down,chit chat and then go home.that's how it works.) i went back at 3plus am after lepaking with koby at woodlands. we just chilled and talked. he made me laughed till i cried. hebat ahh kau!

well,kene maki sial.musibot and all such. i never felt violated in a long time. tak pernah kene maki macam gitu. salah ke aku ade kawan rapat lelaki?salah ke aku macam gini? when are you ever going to trust me? ): best ahh kene maki. i called you cause ive missed you.just you. but kene gini. aku sakit hati gile.
diamkan diri sudah. haish. sedih kan kene maki2. verbal abuse at its best.
too fucking hurt.

3Bs to mend this fuckingheart.
books,booze and my boys.

),: everyone needs time on their own. so i guess this is my time.to be on my own. so that no one can hurt me anymore.

:I won't leave because things are hard but i WILL leave if things are not worth it anymore.

2011-04-05T05:44:00.003+08:00

amin.

2011-03-30T04:29:00.000+08:00

dear god, can i ask for something before bed tonight? make me a stronger person when i wake up.

I havent been the best person around. but im nice. I can be exceptionally nice sometimes. so if not a lot, i deserve that little bit of happiness.

),:

girls and all the drama

2011-03-25T02:46:00.000+08:00

im just going to sit back and watch the show about me.whilst you girls make my life your hot topics and the centre of your worlds.
it's okay baby,i'll wait cause i know when to bite back.

saturday date please!

ain't i naive.

2011-03-23T02:16:00.003+08:00

what makes a person lie?
kecik atau besar, white lie,blue lie,green lie.bohong sunat.
ape2 la. tipu tetap tipu.

when i found out right infront of everyone else that you lied to me in the morning,i felt as if i was slapped right across my face. thanks to you.

what am i feeling right now? well,im just disappointed.angry at first. but right now,im just disappointed. it's saddening that i don't deserve the truth from you. it's pathetic that i get to be the person behind it all. taking shits from you. well,let people think what they want. cause right now, it isn't fair for me to hear your apologies over and over again, your countless promises of being honest but in the end, this is what i get in return.

i've never asked you anything.all im asking for is honesty.is it so hard for you?

im not ready to settle down. am i?

2011-03-22T16:57:00.001+08:00

mozay:

Den go ahead b sgl. Im in a place whereby I want to spend my everyday with jus one special gerl that has the potential to lead to something. Not making more "frens" . Wen ur ready u find me'. I'm right here. Ilangkan diri made my life more at ease. Sure I feel lonely , but better being lonely den angry or jealous or heartache or making people disappointed.

But even thou I said all that, I realise I wld that gerl to b u... Yeah u... Cos I realised, I ni ilangkan diri pon tp tiaop2 hari pk sal u. So yah, I'm doing to u like how I did to ain. I da lame deleted ur number. So if/wen ur ready n if u still tink of me', find me', cos I'm dam sure I'll open my arms to u.

shafie

2011-03-22T01:41:00.004+08:00

tebanmeanboy:
"im sori 4 breakin ur heart bb. u noe i didnt meant it tha onli thing u shud noe iz im in luv wif u bb. ku syg ko. ure olwaes tha beauty swit gerl who i wil olwaes luv wholeheartedly. i luv u bb. gd nyte luv."

i was arguing with him cause of how he made me feel each and everytime. he said he didnt know that it would hurt me in any way. maybe im being too sensitive. entahla. why in the world am i feeling this way? inadequate and such? i hadn't feel like this before.ever.
i always had the confidence in me.
am i being too hard on you baby? im sorry if i am but right now,im really sensitive about my appearance.i've gained much weight and i took notice only recently.

well, just so you know muhammad shafie bin abdul malek, you are the only exception to MANY MANY THINGS.

rantings from the heart

2011-03-21T03:55:00.002+08:00

Can i please have a boyfriend now?
im not trying to sound eager or anxious to find one.

just because im tired of laughing, crying, smiling alone. I want to do things what couples do again.
i want to fly my kites.i want to go for picnics, star gazing. go cycling.
he teaches me how to blade. how to drink properly. to think and act maturely. he pampers me.
he accepts my flaws and my past. he makes me laugh so hard my stomach hurts.
THAT KIND OF BOY.

I don't want just another date.or just another stranger to become close to me and then POOF. IM TIRED OF ALL THIS. I FEEL AS IF IM AGAINST THE WORLD ALONE.

And im tired of guys saying that i am so arrogant as i did not reply their calls/texts/fb msgs and they say im single and yet i play hard to get. I hate these things.

I just want a happy life with a boyfriend who is not afraid to show the world that he loves me so much, stay loyal to me and who is always there when i need him the most, a bestfriend who is always there for me. i just want need him to be my bestfriend.

the next one will be the final one.and im not going to jump into the grave again.
i don't want to end up with someone who gives up easily.
im a person who refuses to let go someone even if he does something wrong.
maybe im just a fighter when it comes to love.
am i being fickle-minded 4am in the morning? i think i am. haisssh.
da laaa nor hazirah ishak pergi tidor.
nanti pergi sekolah,belajar rajin2.
lepas tu jumpe syed can?

the happenings.

2011-03-21T01:22:00.009+08:00

as i promised entries from the birthday bash on the 11th of march 2011.
zaireel has become quite close to me nowadays eversince that fateful night bump at O. thus,he invited me over to the party for sha's and yan's bday bash! a part of 10 had a total of 2 henesseys, 1 champagne, 2 jagerbombs each, 1 The Macallan 12 years and a loadful of shots. to my surprise,i wasn't drunk in the club but in the cab,going back home. where i had to find tebanboy's motor (thankfuckinggod for shafa) to place coupons since he left his bike to let me check on it.

the rest of the pictures are on facebook unless you are NOT GIVEN THE right to see. (:

that morning, i helped out at CEDAR GIRLS for their makeup for their competition of Sayembara Cerpen at NYJC, together with faat and diyana. i really wished miza was there cause.... im not sure why laaa.. anyways,it was a great experience and i truly enjoyed the whole thing even though AKU BENCI BANGUN PAGI2 KUL 730PAGI!

the week went well with me meeting up with tebanboy almost everyday except wednesday and today. wednesday i met up with shah, faz and ainur for dinner and shortly more of the clan came over to chill. friday and saturday slowly came and passed me by. it was an OK weekend. sunday made it all great. we went out to buy kain at arab street and joo chiat to eat as well.i've got about 3 tops,1 tube dress and 2 bottoms and 2 kain. thank you mama! makan was sedap. duck porridge okay!
(let me insert here about tebanboy. on saturday he sent me home about 3am and we talked at my house multipurpose hall. we normally sit down and talk for awhile before he goes off. well,he is slowly opening up to me,about his life,his family, his past and everything else. i love moments likethis cause it makes me feel as if im a part of his life now. and it makes me feel that he trusts me with himself. when he told me about his late mom,i shed a few tears. it was very heartfelt and i was imagining if that happened to me,i wouldn't have much of his courage to do all that.especially at a young age. well,he said to me many times and again over the phone just now, "you are very lucky and beruntong.learn to appreciate things like this". well,i am learning to appreciate.slowly but surely.insya'allah.")

you know what,i really miss laughing my ass off with friends. i don't know but this clan has two separate parts. like kompuak2 likethat.i really hate it. where there's a distinct division between them.
well,nothing's new when i found myself talking to the boys and the girls ignoring me.i nearly broke down cause i felt left out with the girls. NEARLY.thank god for ba,shah,tebanboy and others that helped me see that i didn't need them. and most of them keep comforting me,making me feel better.alaaa enough of politics already. i just miss laughing randomly with my boys.with my girls.why couldn't i be that girl again that laughs out so hard from within?what happen?

school needs a very strong push right now.just ended my quiz and i've gotten a 13/15 for it. alhamdullilah. (:

i want to say this right now.im in a phase where i feel fat and ugly about my looks and body.everyone is making me feel fucking insecure. tebanboy especially. honestly,i feel like shouting at his face and maki "fuck you" for saying or calling me "mok" or whatever nicknames he has.memang la macam manja2,cute2 and main2 je. BUT THIS ONE I CANNOT TAKE IT. FIRST TIME AKU TAK SUKE OKAY. DULU AKU OKAYGO. THIS FEBRUARY AND MARCH AKU DA TAKBOLEH ANGKAT GURAU TU. tak mengamok la.cumer terguris hati.so from tomorrow onwards no food after 9pm and less rice.don't forget jogging as well. i want to be back on track of 45kg.now im a heavy 50kg. insya'allah.

okay going to sleep. YA ALLAH,please let me meet mister right soon. amin.

_!_

2011-03-16T18:13:00.002+08:00

i want to rant here angrily but i can't. im crying in class cause someone is being mean. i know i maybe labelled a minah or people say that im a very fierce person but i have my soft spots.

do you really like to say those things to me? bodoh? puki? memang sedap mulut maki. you are angry and i can totally relate to it. but it's like every single time. aku pun vulgar babe.aku pun tak tahu control mulut aku at times. i feel useless and sometimes inferior. now you get what i mean when i said im having phobia of inferiority.

memang aku banyak kawan lelaki.my girls,i can count on my fingers.the ones like my zhss gfs.my babygirls nira and such. i stick better with boys, not that im a slut or aku suke menggatal and mentel.im at ease with them since i grew up being closer with the boys in my family.
when im trying to change for the better,i use my brains to draw a line between right and wrong.
i know my limits as a girl and maybe as a girlfriend to someone else. tak semestinye aku keluar dengan jantan,aku gatal bawah. (sorry for being crude in this entry.)
why can't you just understand that my social circle is made up of my boys and me. don't expect me to leave my friends for anyone. if i leave them for a boy, if the boy leaves, what happens?
boys come and go,friends stick with me throughout.

aku nak remain uncontactable for now to you.thank you bye.

hello world

2011-03-15T14:33:00.002+08:00

yesterday i had to skarlett to service centre.tebanboy was a sweetheart and helped me send it to kallangway. when he fetched me at my school,it was a light drizzle when we were on the way from quuenstown. at first,he didn't bother to share or offer his jacket and when i tegur-ed him by teasing him "selfishboy". upon reaching near tanjong pagar, he stopped by the bustop and began to take off his jacket and asking me to where. i asked him why and he said "biar aku kene hujan and demam,kau pakai jacket." aaalaaa sweet la kau.

afterwhich,we went to jurong point and things got pretty tensed up. someone called him up and it made me feel jealous. i really loathe feeling jealous and insecure with anyone cause it will hurt me and make me cry. i did cry and shed a few tears at the smoking area of jurong point. somehow,i feel inferior to all those other girls.

i always have feelings of inferiority to other girls. it has been with me eversince i broke up with anoh. im not sure exactly why i can feel this way. right now,the inferiority has been increasing.
maybe cause i dont really feel good about myself, especially with the constant teasing of "fatgirl" and "budakgemuk". i used to feel good when i was with haris. he made me feel pretty,sexy and beautiful.and most of the time,cute. he wasn't a man of many words. he didn't say anything but i felt it. i felt assured that i was the only girl in his heart. and no other girl could take my place.

but lately,it has been a tough ride. i've lost a friend recently cause he wanted me to date him exclusively.something i couldn't do now. well,he deactivated his fb and deleted my number. oh wells,he was just being a pain in the ass i guess. gulababy might be meeting me with the rest tomorrow after my school ends. da lame aku tak jumpe kau and lepak sengkang makan mac.

i don't want to end today's post with feeling melancholy and sadness in the air. thus,i shall say i will blog about awesome saturday real soon once i have pictures.
well,have a good tuesday babies. i hope i do too.

rantings

2011-03-11T15:59:00.003+08:00

yesterday i met with anoh for a brief moment to pass his camera and get back my helmet. it was not awkward for me as i saw him as a friend i left behind. he said things and i just smiled. looking back,i think he knew he was the rebound for haris. im such an idiot to have played it out to a nice boy. he playfully touched my head as i was wearing my helmet and i casually asked him the reason for deleting me off fb. i wouldn't mind really if he gave me his gf as his reason. but i was surprised that he said i was the one who deleted him. he even said if he wanted to delete me off,he would delete my family too in fb. oh wells, let's just say i think i know who deleted me off. (:

right now,im a little confused but a friend once said to me, to enjoy my singlehood while i still can. maybe the one for me has lost his way.maybe im just expecting too much but all i know is that im not ready yet. i've not been able to trust anyone or let alone,let anyone in.
time will tell for sure when my past will be just a gentle reminder to me.

starting next week,i'll be working my ass off for school and work too.i think it's time for me to stop this laziness in me. honestly,right now,i look at one day at a time,i don't really plan things out or look forward to any month at all.

sometimes i feel empty.sometimes i feel really good with friends around. is this how it's really like being single? well,i've not been single for a long time.as in really single,not dating around or whatnot. it does feel lonely at times but they say you've got to learn how to live with yourself to actually be ready for someone else.i guess HE knows his plans better. insya'allah.

well,meanboy will be going to melaka later at night and im going to miss him.he's very different from what i usually go out with. but he still makes me feel comfortable and smile and laugh out loud most of the times. he is sometimes such a sweetheart BUT he has yet to learn that my friends are mostly boys.i hang out easier with boys.i grew up being one of them.he has to accept my lifestyle too,but i guess he has my best interest at heart.
and im getting jealous over this girl who posts and comments and likes his every status. insecure maybe? i just don't know what to feel right now cause i hate it when i get jealous. i feel inferior to someone i barely know.a name on fb.pathetic little feeling,please go away.
he texted me something really sweet "kau jgn pengsan pat lua.nanti aku kene patah alek spore amik kau gi hospital. swit kan aku."
it made my day. (:

life this week

2011-03-09T18:05:00.003+08:00

lso how's life so far? well,it has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions and drama. but thankfully,im more settled down and sobered up. im feeling much much better. actually being single has its perks. i can go out with whoever i want and whenever i want. i don't have to answer to anyone but it does get lonely at times. and depressing as there's no one to call your own.

im too lazy to talk about what has happened in the past week or so. just keep in my mind and save for the memories.

boys? easy come,easy go.
dolmat has long gone.matmental too.gula boy has been busy with work! and i will meet him on saturday hopefully! prettyboychinese has been busy but we are still on good terms.now,there's this mozay and tebanboy.
hmmm... i don't know la. it just seems that they are not the ones i will end up with. i already said the next one i be with, will be the one i'll end up marrying.
enough about love life.cause there is nothing much to talk about!

ive made many new friends.and i guess it's like a blessing in disguise when i broke up with him. i met sooo many interesting and idiotic people. well, im still young and i still want to widen my social network.

ohhh this saturday im gg to party hard with zaireel. ohhh he's a real sweetheart.wait a minute guys, he's my cousin. i might be gg with a few others too.

other than that,it has been a good week or so in this life. alhamdullilah.
well,i shall update more when i get out to meet the gfs on friday and maybe i wish to spend my thursday with you please! saturday joget time! sunday duduk rumah jadi baik!
have a good wednesday babies!

reflections

2011-02-25T00:53:00.004+08:00

i was massaging mama since she said her whole body was aching.while trying my best to try and ease her pain,i shed a tear or two. i got reminded of how she struggled and is still struggling to put me till where i am here today.mama,i know you don't even know i have a blog but i just want you to know that i will make you proud one day and i will take care of you when you are old.insya'allah.
it was good just chatting with her. we talked about kakak and abang.thaqif too. then she asked about haris.it was just a random question i guess. then she asked me if i was dating/seeing anyone. i told her i just simply gave up on boys. cause the one i like/love never did feel the same way,the ones i don't want are always coming to me.

if you have my facebook account, you will see the annoying and irritating boys that are just pain the ass. i have stalkers,desperate men and just stupid mfs/players floating in my whole life. okay back to the story,i've digressed quite abit.

i think i want to start mengaji balik. you know, recite the al quran again.i want to be grounded back to HIM. so i enquired with mama to ask for cik linda's ngaji days cause she has someone to come over her house for her kids to ngaji.i might do it on mondays.

well,i had a good partying night yesterday and today was just a lepak day at home and tuition at cik linda's house. i was supposed to meet the n.e.w clans but i skipped cause i felt like being at home.watching tv.

well,he called me tadi and we talked for some time. tak sangka pandai jugak dier tahu,statuses fb adelah untuk dier. and i finally said that i felt used to him. i guessed he did try to explain but errrmmmmmmmmmmmmm......... words are cheap mister.and i just brushed it aside cause i can't remember what he said just now. you keep using work as an excuse, semua orang pun keje la geng.semua orang pun penat. it just that you lack effort. i actually felt cheap you know. you had the free time on tuesday since it was your offday but did you reply me? nope. and you got the cheek to tell me that i kept quiet? all said and done,i've gave my best shot.
da on balik tadi.sekarang off balik. besok boring2 on balik okay. i said my feelings.i said i missed you. cause you know what. you like the idea of someone to fall back on when everything else fails.

someone whom im close to online and has been friends with me eversince i was with haris,and she was with aiman.said this:"u cant expect aniting out of their speech/taklimat/khutbah/ceramah etc etc.cakap tk serupa bikin.kalo ko rasa ko bleh tunjukan si dolmat tu dia bakal jadi doormat..den by all means"
another said this: "stay away from him.i don't like the way he treats you.i don't like him."

i know you are not doing anything with anyone but a little assurance of what you feel would be GREATLY APRRECIATED. PAHAM?
eh fuck,imy.
i hope friday would be a good day for me.i be meeting gula for lunch after i settle my school stuffs and then off to try and surprise syedbb since he is booking out later. anws, goodnight sayangs.

monday date

2011-02-23T14:54:00.002+08:00

monday wasn't bein kind to me cause i had to reshuffle my timetable and drop 2 modules. ):
anyways, delano riard decided to cheer me up with movie and starbucks.
it was planned to meet at 8pm but i pushed it back till 830pm. he treated to a drink and we chilled for awhile before the movie started. it was a a good movie but i guess him being him, he loved it. he was a great company and thus i let him walk me home all the way from the interchange (:

well,how do i know this chinese,punjabi guy? well,i went to la maison with some idiots (read:mats with drzs) and i ended up talking to him over the bar.you know right how friendly or how flirty i get. it was just harmless talking while waiting for my drink. he saw my pictures on fb and he added me. sent me a fb msg and we started talking each day through fb msg and then he gave me his number and asked for mine. so we texted each other randomly and pooofff..
anyways, bawah tu trailer ye!enjoy!

ohhh thanks for the lovely tuesday. thanks gula and in (:

bestbest.

2011-02-21T17:32:00.003+08:00

i had the awesomest time on saturday.i met up with syasya and shafa at arab street for some sheesha and lepakgossip session.they managed to persuade me to dblo since it was only 20bucks. it was a great night, saw a few old friends like khai from nyp,nysham the exbf and his wife. UNTIL I SAW MY FIRST LOVE'S SISTER. remember ruzaini??!! to those who followed my blog since the start or atleast to those who know me personally, will remember ruzaini, the boy who broke my heart so bad!

anyways,i hated the fact that she went to her friend to gossip and her friend went to me and asked "eh you azira hart right?"
i was shocked at first cause i swear i didnt know the guy at all. he explained that he's hady ali or something and he added me on fb but deleted me off.
thus when i went home,he added me again -_______________-'' BUT this time i privatised my entire fb from him.he can only see my info.

that's not all.she even pointed me out to another friend. kau da tahu yang aku kenal kau,kau kenal aku.either you say hello or smile or better still,don't bother. tsktsk.

anyways,i had fun on saturday night and went to tuition on sunday. today school just started and i found out that my timetable clashed! cb kan! and i had to sit out two modules. babi ahhhh.ending up i have leftover modules.sekarang aku ade 2 modules lagging behind.

so i have schools on mondays,wednesdays and fridays for three hours each. and then i have tuition on tuesdays,wednesdays,fridays and saturdays.thus i wanna switch my wednesdays to tuesday so i can chillax after school on wednesdays.fridays tuition will be shifted to thursday afternoon.kalau cik linda jadi laa..

next up is about dolmat.
GUESS WHAT? HE READ THE FB MSG INFRONT OF ME! baik nor hazirah.he texted me that he ain't going out on saturday night and we were both quiet on sunday. tadi pagi he texted me "senyap je."

EH NABEI CHIBAI! kau yang senyap jugak,step keje alasan ptuik! go and die please.
then when aku reply skrg,kau diam balik. last sial aku kate jangan msg aku lagi.kau msg uh lagi,aku TAK AKAN REPLY KAU.
you know why im so bingit cause he's like "kejap cari,kejap hilang.ingat funfair pe?"

da tu je.im gg to watch 127 hours with a friend of mine.update nanti ye.

last.

2011-02-18T15:29:00.000+08:00

Hey.
I think I should let you know certain things. I want to get this off my chest.

It’s not nice for you to do this to me. You were texting me often then you stopped. I was lost, I thought I did something wrong to you. Then suddenly, you told me your reasons and I accepted it. Then you started to call and text me again, and then you stopped again. If you didn’t want anything from all this, be an adult and tell me. I can accept it, be alright and stay friends. Rather than you go silently and pretend nothing happened.
Stop playing games macam gini. Eh penat tau aku trying to figure things out. Trying to amek hati kau, then lepas tu hati aku sape nak jage.

I’m not asking for anything or any r/s. I’m not even thinking of anything. Aku pun takut. You think I’m not afraid of being dumped and getting hurt. You’ve been hurt by 1 girl. Whereas I’ve been used and been dumped by a few guys. So I understand what you’re feeling.
I’m also unsure of what to do and what to feel BUT cause I like when I’m with you, I decided to just go with the flow. One moment to one moment. One thing at a time.

I like the things between me and you and that’s it. It was simple.
It was great, finding someone who made me laughed so hard at myself. That let me be me. That makes me feel comfortable in my own skin. I wasn’t afraid to let my flaws come out cause I knew I won’t get judged. It was as though i found another bestfriend.

since kau nak dengar dari aku sendiri what i told rin that night, i will.

Ye mmg aku nangis. Pasal aku sakit hati and sedih ah kau macam in a way lead me on and then left me hanging. And when rin told me kau phobia pasal aku went back on my words.
I also cried cause ive hurt you and made a mistake towards you. Im sorry once again for doing that to you. no excuses, no reasons.

yes i like you a whole lot.sayang? aku sendiri tak tahu pasal aku takut. and yes i miss you. Gi mati dengan shiok sendiri. Tak salah aku ade hati kat kau. asal aku mcm takut nak blang kau,pasal kau masih ade hati kat ex kau.

Whatever it is, kite tetap members.
Im not asking for much, just an explanation and aku will be okay. Have a good Friday. (:

dolmat

2011-02-17T11:36:00.000+08:00

since this page is privatised,now im feeling more secured to tell something here about someone.
who?
muhd ridzuan omar aka dolmat.
27.bukit batok.supervisor of manna pot catering.workaholic.
why him?
he makes me laugh like no one else could.not that i can remember.maybe like anoh or haris did.he makes me feel like a little girl.feels important and loved.
what happen?
shit happens.actually i dont know what went wrong.he just told me on monday night he is afraid of things.of falling in love.and getting hurt.
so i told him that i will hurt him.i will break his heart but i will never give up and walk away.
but i cant be convincing him to take the steps.aku sendiri takut.
yesterday,he started off texting me.then he called me up twice.we talked and...now silence. all i hear is silence. ):

tomorrow i know i might meet him. can you please act like nothing is wrong nor hazirah ishak?
please put up an act.if you do a good show,i will reward you generously.
okay best.
.
i miss you.the times where we would text and we would meet randomly. haiya.
game of catching.im tired of chasing you.can you chase me now?

harrasment.

2011-02-17T10:41:00.003+08:00

yesterday while i was walking with anem to eat supper,someone called me. as usual,i will be firm to unknown numbers. so i was like..
"hello.ni ira?"
"ye.ni sape?"
"ni man.eh bbual takya pekik2"
"aku peh suke hati la.dapat mane my no?"
"berbual baik2.sopan sikit boleh.i bbual baik2 seh ngan u."
"eh aku peh suker.im not nice.im mean.bye."

(background story of how he has my number according to him. i gave my number to him on fb chat but he isn't in my fblist.i checked.i asked him,he said he deleted me off cause he doesnt know me and he isn't active anymore.he calls me ira.no one except for outside friends call me ira.online fb azira okay. then when i asked,then you know swalihin [cause his mutual friend with me is sol.] he said he didnt know that guy personally."i minat dikir sangat sumpah.dier penyanyi at dikir kan.ade comp,i amek2 gambar then i added him on fb." so how to believe?)

he called me back about 3 times.and then he texted me "ey you garang nye.berbual sopan la."
then he called again.i picked up i asked him what he wants.he said he wanted to be friends,i declined and hung up.
he then texted me this "man.i tinggal.Toa Payoh. you mind. i takut u tk sudi nk uat kwn ngan i.i pe orang nie da tkde rupe pe type sume.bkn i nak jiwang. cume i berteros terang."

i didnt reply.
while i ordering, he called and i just picked up.lupe nak check siape,was too busy deciding on mee goreng pattaya or maggi goreng pattaya.heeheee
when i realised it was him,i said "eh i call you back later i want to eat.bye."
tak sampai 5minutes,he called again.
"EH TAK PAHAM EH ORANG NAK MAKAN.AKU TK SUKE BBUAL HP MAKAN OKAY! TAK BAIK DEPAN REZEKI"
"you asal macam ni.garang2.takpela.you macam gini banyak kali tetap i bbual baik2.i terima"
"EH KAU DA KENAPE.BERBUAL MACAM MATAIR"
hung up aku terus.
he called many times.many many many times.then anem picked up and scolded him.
then this morning he texted me.about 740am.he asked me "ira y la ira garang sgt nie.man setakat nak wat kwan ngan ira tk leh ke."
i didnt reply.why? I WAS SLEEPING KAN!
so he called me many many times till i was awake and i angkat.
i told him i was sleeping and i asked him why he called me sooo many many times.but before he could answer,i put down.he texted me this "u never reply my msg."
then i thought it was over. he called again.the third time he called,i picked up and said "eh kau tak paham bahase ke?orang nga tdo laaaa..."
he replied "tak paham sangat.confused sikit.hehehe."
"eh bodoh.aku kate aku nak tdo.stop calling me."

i put down and he called again.this time aku cakap "eh kau kol or msg aku lagi sekali,aku report kau kat police for harrasment."

he texted me "ape sak smapai police sume kuar.adoi"
i never reply.he texted again "baru i tahu u pe orang dendam upenye.takpela u just tc."

and i replied "you better stop bothering me.i mean it."
him:"okay.tc"

-______________________________________________________________-''
pek cek!

what's up?

2011-02-16T14:06:00.003+08:00

the last time i blogged was last week when i was feeling angsty and disappointment but now im good.i picked myself up,dusted off the debris from falling and now here i am feeling good.
i went partying with prettyboy amir and friends. and it sucked.sorry korang step manenye somebody.oh wells different styles of socialising. i don't socialise exclusively which they did.

moving on,after which i went on random outings and going out to wash the dolmat's and rin's vehicle.there were places i went that i didn't think i would go.
meeting up with suhail and friends to karaoke, to just chill.
monday was quite great.the day i went to strip and met up with anem and ijad after that.
alhamdullilah. (:

virgin experience

2011-02-16T13:59:00.003+08:00

i decided to go for my first brazillian wax at strip over at mandarin gallery. since it has raving reviews,i chose strip to be the one i go to for my virgin waxing.
they have many outlets spread over the orchard area as well a few in the suntec/raffles city area.

it was painful at some parts but quite bearable i might say. service was done efficiently and the therapist definitely made me comfortable and at ease with myself.
i will definitely come back for their services again.

normally,i would do some shaving and trimming but i decided that i wanted to see if i would like the clean look and i did. it was about 58.85 for the complete removal and it was worth the moooolahs!
i reccomend you girls/boys to try strip out! (:

angst.disappointment.sadness.

2011-02-06T04:45:00.001+08:00

im tired of the samebullshit promises that are given out.day in day out.
have you got my back now?

nah i don't think so again,
so don't try to fucking find me anymore.

privatised my wall.im not gg to blog.twitter off.tumblr,maybe.
goodnight.

2011-02-01T23:59:00.003+08:00

birthday went well.i had the most awesomest time ever with the people that mattered. im not going to put pictures here as there are some busybodies reading my blog. thus,pictures are already in fb okay!
anws thank you for the surprise! twice lagi tu! (: happy gile nak mampos.
i had the time of my life. with you. (:

and on saturday,we went wildwildwet with kakak and abang sani and also amir.
(:
it was good at night lepaking at starbucks and just talking.just the two of us.

sunday i spent time with the family and mama cooked mee hailam special dier.makan tambah dua kali. monday pictures will be up soon.i went out with ayin and ain to carousel for high tea and went windowshopping.at night,i met up with mr omar.

da tu je.tunggu gambar!

aku benci ah kau dolmat.mulut aku tampal scotchtape baru tahu.): boo yoU!

a note to myself

2011-01-28T04:04:00.000+08:00

happy 24th nor hazirah ishak.
i hope by reading this back like how you like to reread your posts will make you think and realise that life isn't so bad afterall.

life at 24.having gone through alot in terms of family,friends and love. school too.
you're now doing a degree and i hope that you put extra effort for the next few remaining semesters. and i want you to finish it all as soon as possible so mama wouldn't have to work anymore.atleast not so hard like now.

family has been better before but alhamdullilah we are slowly picking up where we left it off. we are tighter now and definitely more civilised now.thank you ALLAH.

friends do come and go as and when they please but all friends are still kept deep in my heart. well,what do you know syasya i missed you really.i wish you will be there tonight or tomorrow. made new friends lost some old friends.and still am with the same group of people that i grew up with.

love life has been okay. i lost someone that had never gave up on me.haris. well,i know he deserves someone better.and im glad he found her. im really happy for him cause he is such a nice good boy but we will never be able to work out things in life together. my exbf? well,he's a nice guy but shit happens. i still think about him now and then.love him? im not sure anymore. i don't think so. but all i know is that i got the best part of him that no one else knows about.no other girl has gotten.thank you muhammad noh for everything.being 24 in a couple of hours' time,i think im ready to let go.insya'allah.

and so when you are drunk or sober at midnight later,you are allowed to shed tears.tears of sadness but remember to wipe away your tears and smile cause thank HIM for letting you be alive on your birthday.to enjoy another day,insya'allah another year.

so i hope you become more responsible.more independent and more reliable.
work on your flaws.work on them now. and i really hope that you have a wonderful life ahead of you.24 is just the start of your new life.

love you.kisskiss.

blessed

2011-01-28T03:34:00.007+08:00

i've already gotten pictures from monday sheesha date but right now i just want to say im thankful for being able to be surrounded by my family and friends. alhamdullilah.

im thankful that i have my parents and siblings that are always there for me if ever i need a helping hand.i just need to reach out and i know they will be more than willing to help me out.

everyday there are friends who are willing to meet up with me to cheer me up and keep me company. im glad and thankful that i have them all to support me all the way. and i just want you people to know that i will always have your back.s

my zhss girls.i miss each and everyone of you.and yes that includes you syasya.i fucking miss you.

my dikirbarat girls/boys that have me looking forward to tuesday and thursday.sayang korang banyak sekali.

my boys,thank you for being protective and caring everyday since a long long long time ago. you guys teach me how to be mean,how to be strong and sometimes heartless when it comes to boys that don't matter. you guys don't know how much small little things mean so much to me and make me happy.

btw dolmat thank you for the seaweed. (: i appreciate it alot dolmat.

p.s: lama-lama asek makan supper je,aku gain weight balik when i was with haris. gemuk gedabak! haha. (: a happy girl=a montel girl. MONSTER SIA AKU NIE.

GOOD NIGHT SAYANG2.

the elephant and the tree night

2011-01-27T14:26:00.002+08:00

i can't say who went to meet me under my block this early morning but i can say thank you for the early present. (: aku sayang kamu deh!

but the thing i can say is i like that hurley boy at saffron.
somehow you caught my attention.and seriously aku tak perasan,he was looking too.
anyways,can i see you again? huhu!

da have a good thursday!

how i am feeling.

2011-01-27T00:27:00.003+08:00

When you lose someone, someone you love, when they break your heart, it’s the hardest thing you could ever go through, and no matter how much time has passed, it never really goes away. You may think you’re getting better, but then you get a flashback, or hear a song that reminds you of a memory, and it hits you all over again, all at once, like a stab in the chest. You fall apart for the hundreth time, and you feel like you just want to crawl under a rock and never come out. You love this person with all of your heart, even though you know you shouldn’t. They hurt you worse than you’ve ever been hurt. They stole your happiness. But yet, you still want them, and only them. Other people come along and give you chances to move on, but you know you don’t want to. It upsets you that you might be moving on, because you promised you never would. And even if they broke all of their promises, you want to keep yours. On top of that, you’re terrified. Terrified of getting hurt again. But it’s not like that matters anyway. At the end of the day you’re still thinking about that person who has left you completely broken. You don’t want to miss them anymore. You don’t want to love them anymore, but you know you always will.

anyways,i made up mind about you kental! you are not going to be in my heart.nope. cause i can't figure you out.im going to just let it be.you are a player,in my humble opinion.

miss you.

2011-01-26T12:47:00.003+08:00

i still miss you.maybe not the part of being the boyfriend. just you.yourself being funny.the way you made me feel about myself.the way i would always be comfortable around you. i could hug you,kiss you,talk stupid silly things with you and it didn't matter.you wouldn't ever ask me to shut up.and say hurtful things to me.
the way how you would talk.the way how you laugh. the way you are as a friend. i missed you being my bestfriend.boyfriend? maybe not.
i dont know la.i just missed the old you.
now,all i see is a boy with too many girlfriends.you're back to your old self.the one you wanted to change.whatever the reason is,it is your choice,your life.
i miss our random meetups to lepak bawah block.with the lappy.i miss our first few months together.

do you know i miss you baby?

i still can't bring myself to delete you off my fb.my msn or the pictures in my laptop. entah insya'allah the day will come when my heart is ready to let go. amin.

"So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night
And I'd go back to December all the time
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing that I'd realized what I had when you were mine
...I'd go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I go back to December all the time"

song that described it all.
don't you remember that december when we ended. ),:

my birthday and where are you?

flaws and all.

2011-01-26T02:32:00.003+08:00

mean things were said to me. ),:
my bad points.my flaws.my negatives.
am i all that bad?all that flawed?

sometimes i wonder why the fuck.
not a very good tuesday.
insya'allah today will be better.
birthday is in 4days and i feel fucked up.

TGIM!

2011-01-25T14:29:00.004+08:00

i always have my TGIM! it's kinda good for me nowadays.
yesterday i met up with aishahbb and mus at amk to go down to bugis junction to find my whistle sweets at muji. but THEY ARE NO LONGER IN STOCK!
so we headed down to kgc and nope i didnot have mee soto but maggi goreng daging.sedap jugak!
wanted to go merdandy but it was closed. so we settled down at nasrin till near midnight. i headed down to tamp to meet syedbb and lepak at saffron.

OH MY I SAW SOMEONE VERY GOOD2. hahah! i can remember he was wearing a HURLEY tshirt,3/4 pants and shoes. and he was drinking soyabean yang aku faveret tu! hahah! bukan perasan,but seriously even syed cakap he was looking at me.hahah! tak salah aku la dier pun bawak those typical motards/dirtbikers punye bikes.drz with numbers.
so if i ever see you again mister hurley.

after which syed bought me paddlepop and i ate at some tampiness cc near junyuan sec till 5am in the morning.
im going out again to meet him for swimming i think! (:

friday to sunday oh!

2011-01-25T14:21:00.025+08:00

friday night slumber party with the girls was hilarious.we were busy talking about 'kacang' and playing games like charade and babi attack. clean good fun until 4am in the morning.boleh kau percaya tak?! after which the boys had their own war games till 2am. saturday was bright and early at 10am where the games begin with cheering games.then there was the run,jump and slide across the canvas that was filled with detergent. up next was captain giddy boy,where they had to run to a certain point and do the elephant nose and turn 10 times and run back to the starting point.it sounds easy but it was not! hahah.

then it was the games of bingo,bola kuti,eraser wrestling,taiti,monopoly deal,jigsaw puzzle,chess and checkers all at the same time.they are supposed to win as many games as possible in 5minutes and then change places with their other team mates and continue playing.
right after that,it was longest line.self-explanatory but we called it "siape punye paling panjang". hahahah!
then ade game lipat2.and also game tiup kereta.
BBQ NIGHT AND I HAD THE AWESOMEST TIME WITH MY GIRLS!
oh oh the theme for the chalet was ACHIOK! the man who had orbit taste and pronunciation problems. hahah! SEBAB TU AKU PAKAI LEGGINGS KAT LUAR PAKAI BOXERS KOTAK2,WITH GREEN SLIPPERS AND RED TOP.SIAP DENGAN SPECS LAGI!

PRIZES ARE SPONSORED BY PUMA!
the rest of the pictures are on sabby or hanif's facebook.

let me vent here abit.

2011-01-25T13:31:00.002+08:00

so there is this boy who calls me every single night and time when he is awake.talks to me for hours each day for more than a month now. meets me randomly.texts me most of the time.
fought with me a couple of times.

i dont know what i should reading from this.either you have an interest or you are just trying to fill up your time and you like talking to me.
do you know that what you're doing is leading me on.
and then you will say that you "chillax.dier yang feeling2."
0--------0''
please okay,yes you never say it out.never mention anything before BUT let me tell you this,whatever you are doing is going to lead me on.

yesterday syed told me this, "ira you're never the type to chase after boys.you couldn't care less if the person doesn't like you."
and it hit me.it was effing true.if there's this boy i like that doesn't like me back,i wouldn't even care.cause it's his loss,not mine.
but am i feeling this way about this thing now?maybe cause combing hair incident?
entahla.
i hardly say this sorta things about anyone.but you are leading me on with your everyday calls.yes memang kau akan cakap tak salah pe call.memang tak salah BUT there's a limit to everything. and the way we talk and argue and all are getting to me and i dont like it.

sorry ah but unless i know where this is heading and i know im not the only one feeling something,then i've got to go. good bye.
i rest my case.

TRUST.

2011-01-19T19:43:00.005+08:00

If I could explain love in one word, it would have to be trust.
 Trust that he doesn’t cheat on you, trust that he doesn’t lie to  you, trust that he really likes you, trust that he will always be  there for you, trust that he can go to a party and not get high  or drunk, trust that you don’t have to worry about him breaking  up with you the second you wake up, trust that he will stick up  for you, trust that he will never fall in love with another,  trust that he won’t just get sick of you, and trust that he  wants you like you want him.

easier said than done.

tuesday night

2011-01-19T14:31:00.001+08:00

i went to training and meeting for nira's chalet this coming weekend and i met up with him. can i say his name now? hahaha. okay la. name dier alif. okay,orang kepo-kepo.

the good thing i like about meeting him is that i can be that little girl but the thing i dont like is i dont know where we are at now.as in just one thing does he likes me? tu je aku nak tahu.

we were sitting at teh tarik to eat at 4am in the morning.just talking about things. and about motherchuckers:possessions,fame,finances and physical appearance. and he agrees to that too.

the thing i like the most about yesterday was that the fact when he sent me up to my floor, he said "hug please." and that's the 2nd time we hugged when we parted ways. but he added on to ask for a kiss. aku macam rasa being led on. i dont know why.maybe cause the fact that he never says anything but his actions shows kinda much to me. maybe he is just one of those buat bende,tak cakap banyak.
entahla. can i please atleast know whether you like me or not? and then i dont mind taking this slow.

okay going to school already (:

insecurities at its finest.

2011-01-18T02:25:00.004+08:00

i think too much and we all know when you think too much, you get insecurities issues within you. you talk to yourself about things that,at times, don't really matter at all. the brain talks to the heart.the heart talks back to the brain.
sometimes you just need to let it go and calm the fuck down.

i get jealous for no reason at all. i get scared of falling in love.i get scared to have feelings for anyone,in fear that they don't feel the same way.fear of rejection.
asal aku jealous?or takut sangat? asal? i also dont know.nak cakap sayang TAK.nak cakap suka,maybe. but taknak bertepuk sebelah tangan please,shiok sendiri tu.

i want to know so many things that actually can wait. haiya nor hazirah ishak,please la just for once stop thinking and just let it be.
if you can stop thinking for once,then maybe you'll be at ease. then again,i got to the love the fool in me.the one that talks too much and think a little too many.

i got to nip it in the bud. goodbye no more of all that shit. DAMAGE CONTROL IS ON? see aku sendiri tak sure.FUCKING FICKLEMINDED SIA.

anyways,i had a great day.KHURAFAT at REX cinema was awesome.the time lepaking at the NEW HAWA RESTAURANT was great. sufi-sheesha-ing till last bus was good.the lepak at compassvale was awesome.thankyou very nice.
youknowifuckingloveyou.
kisskiss.

fight.argue.

2011-01-17T15:41:00.002+08:00

im sorry okay for being temperamental with you every time.and i appreciate it that you always take everything in. but yesterday was very hurtful,you know. for you to say fuck,fucking and all the fuck words when you were angry.

it's funny that i no longer say vulgarities nor do i put the phone on anyone when im angry anymore.now i say sorry faster and apologise even it's not my mistakes,cause i don't want to be egoistic anymore.
alhamdullilah an improvement for me.

im insecure you know.and i know everyone has insecurities too.
well,i think too much at times.and it's most of the time.like right now.

and right now,please dont let me like you.

sometimes.just sometimes

2011-01-16T18:13:00.002+08:00

sometimes i would love it if you could just take me seriously. i know im a girl full of emotions and feelings.i get agitated,annoyed,happy,excited,angry and sad pretty easily.it's because i let these things affect me.it means i care. tapi when i tell you things,i confided in you cause i can't go telling people how my day was or how screwed up life was,i wished you would just be there to hear.
and it's okay if you wanna laugh it off for me,laugh at me being cute like what you said.BUT SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE YOU DON'T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY.MACAM AKU A JOKE TO YOU.LIKE A CLOWN.

SEDIH KAN.
i know you are very laid back boy.has a very chill and relaxed nature.we are the exact opposites BUT atleast for once,god damn it,for once aje aku harap kau take aku for serious fucks' sake.

im not asking for anything from you.
i fucking appreciate it whenever you take time and effort to call me every single time you wake up.everysingle time you come home.tell me where you are all that. tapi kadang-kadang,i hope that you treat a little more seriously.

like today,you went to pasir gudang to watch the race,you texted me when you are going in and you kept your promise of not racing.and when i woke up,i realised you are not in sg for me to talk to.i like the routine where you call me and keep me company for my train rides to school.sometimes late night,i stayed up just to talk to you.cause i love doing all that.

I FUCKING HATE ONE MAJOR FACTOR ABOUT THIS THING WE HAVE. but i can't say it.and i can't really tell it just yet. but i want that factor.but most of the time i dont want it.
ahhhh. fuck it la.seriously. let's just say im giving you till end of february,you'll have your bags packing. cause everyone leaves.at some point.

you just dont know.

2011-01-14T00:53:00.003+08:00

well,i met up with him and we headed down to 7eleven since i had cravings of siew mais. sedap dan lazat. it was a good night out.just talking and laughing.doing silly stuffs. he can be really cheeky at times and he can be annoying too.

well,when he sent me home,we were kidding around but he took my right wrist and ADUH! SAKIT LA BABI! it was painful. and im not talking to him anymore.i rejected 4 calls from him.tak reply msg. gi mati. bodoh peh orang. ;P

i wanna put a picture of him or us. but nevermind,anti orang kate, "eh baru break,ade jantan baru?"

btw,he is my buddy. goodnight!

oh to you,please take it slow okay.im still gonna be your closefriend.and whatever you texted me, saying how you felt towards me,will never change our friendship. i didn't know.i just didn't know that you had feelings for me since 2006.

-------------------------------------------------
aku nak edit jap. i know it's 340am and im currently on my third qn for law. 2 more to go. tak tidor la gua macam nie.

ahhhhh fuck you!yes you fuck you! fuck the idea of jodoh tak kemana. aku tahu aku belajar ugama.kalau ade jodoh,mesti together. but please la GOD teaches you to usaha. usaha means you have to initiate and work for it. kalau takpayah buat pape,just doa and let jodoh does its job, aku and korang2 semua dok rumah okay.besok lusa kat rumah orang datang ketuk pintu,korang fall in love depan pintu and then korang kahwin.
it's like amek same lewa.ade,ade.takde sudah.
ahhh i didnt ask you to marry me or did i ask you to love me? all i did was to say my fucking point. the reason why i was afraid cause at this rate,i might fall for you and then you know the story, "oopsss i tak cakap pape pn. and i didn't lead you on.i rase you SHIOK SENDIRI" part tu aku tabik kepala kau.
sial la i just told you that i might be cold towards you cause the way you call me everysingle time you are free,everynight till morning is going to lead me on. the things you said is leading me on,you stmf.
eh korang2 yang bace nie perempuan kan? korang should know what the fuck im talking about 3am in the morning here.

memang aku da start to merepek.and fuck you la im not sad. not the slightest bit. just agitated.da bye.

life has been good.

2011-01-13T13:54:00.009+08:00

these past few days have been real good to me. and im loving it. on tuesday,after dragging my ass to school,i headed down to tampines and joined siddiq,yat and achiok at techno.shortly after,only siddiq and me were left,while waiting for faat to come. it was a great and awesome lepak session with them both. and not long after, more came and lepak. while gossiping and just mere teasing of one another.

two days in a row,i laughed so much till i threw up my buih2.
other than that,im loving my days with friends. yesterday people were asking me again to party.st james/zirca/dblo. but i went down to rahmat's place to crash and do some studying and my online law test.fanna decided to be a good girl and treated us to KFC.kenyang sia!! and i came home feeling feverish with flu and sorethroat. now im feeling slightly better and im having mixed feelings about today.
it's been a longgggggggggggg time ever since someone asked me out and i accepted. i was always with anoh and thus,this time around someone else wants to make me laugh and happy like a fat kid. i shall see you soon!

please do not rain later. i'll promise to be a good girl. hurhur.

TGIM

2011-01-11T13:49:00.003+08:00

i met up with kikibb since he came down to my area just to lepak and then we headed down to tampines to meet syedbb cause i had to do my MIO cable. it was good since syed and I watched LOVE & OTHER DRUGS. okay okay movie la. wasn't that bad or anything,just wasn't that interesting.maybe cause my mind wasn't with me the entire time.

well,someone got to pass around my number and i really hate it.please laaa.. jangan passing2 number boleh tak? zaman tu da mati tau.

yesterday night,i let the past bothers me so much that i wasn't nice to mentel.aku panggil dier mentel pasal memang dier mentel. anyways, he is being nice all the while and i was being mean by saying he is a sweet talker and player. well,don't blame me cause after being heartbroken,what i hear is just sweetwords.
well,mentel im sorry again.and then during the phoneconvo it was made to complications due to me.i should just let it go.
it's okay yang penting he texted me good morning when he woke up. so it shows that nothing has changed. (:
okay gonna get ready for school.(:

it hurts

2011-01-10T14:41:00.001+08:00

now i know why i had a heavy feeling inside me.
i saw her post on you.and it had your picture. im going to town and have some starbucks and then i'll get right back on track.
these things take time. and i guess you found someone else. (,:

inside.

2011-01-10T00:10:00.000+08:00

i stayed at home on a sunday since i misplaced my passport and then ive misplaced my flower from DIVA.
well,liverpool lost to man u. 1-0.gerrard got sent off and ryan giggs scored through a penalty kick. anyways,it was not a good day cause i met the ex during the game. so idiotic.

preteding is quite hard.i try so hard to show that im not affected anymore but truth is,i still do. insya'allah im having faith that this will make me stronger.and insya'allah i might be wiser from then on.

what you show might not be the same as what you keep inside cause the truth is no one will know exactly how you feel, only god knows.

saturday night love.

2011-01-09T14:36:00.002+08:00

loq and rin picked me up under my block and then we headed down to timbre at the arts house with drug and noi. it was sedap gile makan pizza and having drinks. nope,i didn't have any alcoholic drinks. i was just drinking mocktails. *pats on my back*

i reached home kinda early and he called me at 5am in the morning and we talked till 7am. it was good old nonsense chattering. he calls me now and then. quite often jugak la.everyday kinda thing.im beginning to like his wakeup calls and goodnight calls too. and now he's with calling me randomly or texting me. baik jugak ah dekni. ahhhh player.semua tipu.
hahahah!
anyways, i've misplaced my passport and kakak's birthcert and then my white diva flower. ): suara pun serak2.

tell tale sings of a player

2011-01-08T15:05:00.003+08:00

player.i just came across another one. -______________-''
malas aku nak entertain. seriously nice boy BUT player shit.
so yeah. i got to be careful and buat dek.
okay jom kite keluar.

i thank allah for friends who fights and stand by me no matter what, and i beg allah to put away people who are unhealthy for me far far away. im just to tired to fight off everything myself. amin.

friday night with love

2011-01-08T03:09:00.004+08:00

thank you for the treat baby! (:

it was a great night tengok movie.makan salted popcorn.makan mee soto at kgc.
but im sick.
have a great saturday yaw!

btw,im still jealous okay! and i don't want to tell you. hahaha

if you're defensive, it must mean something

2011-01-07T16:47:00.004+08:00

i went to arab street again! yes again. abeh ade orang ajak lepak and i thought where laaa..rupanya keluar lepak at arab street.sebaik wednesday duduk nasrin,thursday duduk sufi. da dua hari straight pergi arab st abeh balik pagi2! muka poster sia aku nie...certain things happened. and when he called me,i accidentally said somethings.
anyways,i felt weird when i saw the photo and the comments that came soon after. hmmmm...
entahla..
haiya nor hazirah just forget about it. takmo fikir-fikir.takmo rasa pape okay. you are a big girl now.
and anyways, it wasn't his fault la kan. (: okay.
have a great friday later!

wednesday night.ladies night.

2011-01-06T14:23:00.002+08:00

aishah & mus picked me up from my block and we headed down to arab street to meet ayin and ain. we lepak-ed and we laughed. and i met up with syam and gf(finally sham ade gf. wohooo!!) and now im having fever due to the rain and coldness. and sorethroat. so yesterday as i smoked my last stick,i want to stop smoking.as so today is my first no smoking day again.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
well,i actually am very angry and irritated and pissed off and sad.
why the hell must you people interfere? aku tak suruh.aku tak suruh tolong pun.tolong ahh.. nanti orang cakap aku mengadu2, buruk2 kan dier.
please ask my gfs, ask my bestfriends. did i even burukkan name dier? no.instead i blamed myself. instead i took a step back and saw the bigger picture.
when i confided in them,i told them of how mean i was when i was with him. i told them about the fights we had.about the unreasonable things i said and did. i told them of everything. please just stop it.
so please im emotionally tired and drained. let me just be. aku taknak lagi laa. please. aku da penat. if anoh is still quiet,i just got to learn. so please takya help langsung. )':

tuesday night

2011-01-05T14:54:00.002+08:00

monopoly night was great especially we had to complete 6 sets rather than 3 sets. with 4 moves and 9 cards in hand. inilah dikatakan syed punye idea. hahah! it felt good just lepaking, talking and making time for friends. they left shortly afterawhile and then i met up with kukubirdbird. hahaha! he showed me the tasik at tamp. besar gile la oi! and then since he promised me before he went to his race in december that he would treat me paddlepop when i broke up to cheer me up, so we went on a paddlepop mission.from tamp to bedok to kallang all the way to geylang bahru shell station and we ended up eating and talking at kallang river. you know where there's a river to dragonboat.
you know im done with these shits that i see as ni semua baru2 aje. da lame2 pun same jugak.people leave you.

anyways,thank you for making my tuesday great. i came home near to 5am in the morning with a smile on my face cause i know i have friends to depend on. (:

it isn't true that im dating around. really. you read it right.im meeting with my friends here and there,one day at a time. i no longer see the desire or need to be in love or anything.im still trying to find my ground after anoh left.
i know and i've heard of his past long before i was with him.and i chose to accept him for who he was so stop telling me he is a player.i know about it and i made a decision to love him despite his imperfections.

well,please stop interfering my life.he's no longer with me,you can have him.and yes,sometimes i dream about him.and yes i said i want to let go. but im indecisive likethat.so right now,ive decided to live one day at a time.
so grow up and have a life please. im just trying to live mine anyways.

i still think of you. i dont think you do.

2011-01-04T00:42:00.002+08:00

It’s when I’m standing six feet away from you and not being able to find the wor...ds to tell you how much I love you and how much I miss you that I want to just scream to the whole room that I’m still in love with you. Its when Im sitting alone with the phone in my hand dialing your number and hanging up that I would trade a thousand tomorrows for just one yesterday. Then I could just call you to tell you goodnight. It’s when I am really sad about something and need someone to talk to that I realize you’re the only one who really knew me at all. It’s when I cry myself to sleep at night and it hits me how much I would give to hold you at that very moment. It’s when I think about you that I realize no one else in the world is meant for me.

i think you are just dating around again. have fun meeting them. and falling in love again.
just like how you said i was the first one you fell for.

goodnight fckers!
p.s: just feeling angsty.pardon me!

monday night.

2011-01-03T22:41:00.001+08:00

so ghaz asked me out to monday outing to just jalan and chase away monday blues! well,it was a good day really! we went to NEX and then watched LITTLE FOCKERS. seats dier macam racing car punye seat la deng! hahaha.
it was an okay2 movie and we met up with anem and zul.makan swensens! tak sedap siaaaa..lapar telan je laaaa..
i suggested karaoke and we bumped into ijad jujad. karaoke sampai malam. it was great fun! (:

one more thing. dengar2 keluar with sedara is dating?? hahah! suka hati korang laaa nak! okay pics and vids are on fb. nanti aku upload kat sini kasi korang tgk ye! (: da selamat malam!

thank you!

2011-01-02T03:26:00.002+08:00

saturday,i woke up feeling angsty. i was angry at the state i was in. so i decided to make plans with sham. he picked me up and dad just had to ask "keluar dengan mat nor?" -___________-''
i just said NO. and i went out. we went to vivo, to just jalan2 and i bumped into din and ayeb over there. i think they were walking aimlessly too. hahaha.
after 10pm,shops were closing down and since i had half of my appetite back,i wanted to eat at the tomyum place at arab street.
bumped into tempang boy and his friends. looking good eh kau tadi (: heeeheee...

we went to nasrin and watched liverpool's game with bolton and they won!! wooohooo!! woots! tempang boy was there too with his friends.
sham,me,nyonya and khalid played monopoly deal and stupid games with forfeits involved.

ketawa sampai perut nak meletup siaaa.. it was a great night.

you know i still think about him.i still miss him the same way.i still have feelings for him.but the moment he comes to mind, i shrugged all thoughts about him and told myself that he doesn't love me anymore. he is back to his old ways,i guess. and i just got to swallow the fact that he left me. and i know it gets easier everynight but there are times where i just want to meet him for awhile.hug him and kiss him. and for him to tell me,im sorry baby.i never meant to leave you likethat. BUT IT WILL NOT HAPPEN. he has no feelings for me anymore and even if he did, there are reasons and excuses for him not to contact me anymore.

it's okay babygirl.heads up. you are stronger than you give credit to yourself.

babyboy,imy. (':

a new beginning

2011-01-01T16:57:00.003+08:00

i started off my day,feeling sucky.people just had to make stories yang bukan2. yela aku kan perempuan club kannn.. -______________-''

anws,someone told me to ignore everyone,as long as i know what im doing is right and it makes me happy,it's good enough. he also told me, biar orang buat kite,kite takmo balas.as long aku ade prinsip dalam hidup,things will be fine.
orang nie yang same cakap bende sial kat aku bile dier mabuk BUT HE GAVE ME HIS FIRST APOLOGY OF 2011.
USS JANGAN LUPAAAAA AHHH! GUA CLAIM.

so i sent my happy wishes to one person and i was disappointed with what i was sent back. ),:

da nangis,den the boys cheered me up all the way.so many great things happened and i was laughing at their crazy antics of dancing and making silly faces.hahah!

whatever happened in siloso,stays between us only. (: da gua mau mandi and makan.

OH IM SOOOO PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE ANY LIQUOR AT ALL. and i took care of my friends. yet i was still happy.

imissyou. (:

goodbye 2010.hello 2011

2010-12-31T13:53:00.001+08:00

It feels so good to let you go. I am finally letting it go. I know I can do it. I believe in myself that I can. I hope you two have a happy life together. You were a big part of me, and a big part in my life. You also hurt me more than I could ever have imagined, for this has taught me a major life lesson. I guess this is a thanks. Thanks for fucking me over and thanks for teaching me to not trust anyone, even the people I thought I could.

Sure, 2010 wasn’t the greatest year for you. There were heartbreaks. There were smiles. Memories were created, some you will never forget. You smiled, you cried. You have grown. You have become smarter. You have learned from your mistakes. You hurt yourself. You cried because of the truth. You laughed. You loved. Whatever you did in 2010, it has already happened. You have learned this year, and make 2011 better than 2010.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
singapore is a small country.too small for our comfort at times. well,i just had to hear from people.good that you are dating again.im happy for you. thumbs up! i really wish you the best still and may you be happy with her.i hope she makes you happier than i ever did.

i told you,the only moment i let go is when i know there's another girl involved.im not good at fights involving another party.
im letting go.im going to move on and be happy being a single lady. (:

stupid.

2010-12-30T17:24:00.004+08:00

sometimes i feel an idiot for believing in this thing we HAD. like i still believe in the love i have,and the love he has. macam betul je aku nie.it's like the hope or faith ke ape bende tu. i just want it to stop.someone brainwash me can?
like for example, he is adding girls.everyday i see newsfeed on the adding of girls,i get insecure but why do my heart says a different thing?macam it convincing me and my brain
like "it's okay.you showed him you loved him.and he'll know that no one made him happy and complete like you do." "no matter how many girls he goes out with,if you're better,he'll remember."
that kinda thing. it is like soothing you now but it can kill you later. macam cb kan otak aku and hati aku nie.
degil tak kene tempat. takpe.tomorrow is countdown.i think i know i will cry for awhile.but then i will be fine,insya'allah (:

insomnia.

2010-12-30T15:34:00.002+08:00

when our song came on,i cried.i teared up.it reminded me of how we were together.

i woke up with a smile on my face but a heaviness in my heart.im going to meet a gf of mine to just lepak and talk. tomorrow would be new year eve. countdown would be siloso beach.
well,he isn't going to be there and when i started 2010,it was good but it got sour and now bitter to the core.let's just pray that things will get better in 2011.insya'allah.
for now,im no longer doing anything.just taking one day at a time.no planning of dates or whatsoever.
im no longer deciding to wait or move on.ive a very strong gut feeling he has let go. so i will let go too.im taking my time here.

dah see you next year!

routine

2010-12-29T11:58:00.002+08:00

same routine every day and night. i wake up, cry and cry.logged on to my laptop and fb,tumblr,blogs and such. then i be making plans to go out.go out,laugh,smile.try as hard as possible not to think of him but i always do.
yesterday i was still talking about him.i was reminded about our 2nd date.remember esplanade baby?remember boat quay? where you told me about your arwah nenek and what she gave you,that tali you wear till now.
aft esplanade remember where we went? we played a card game using uno cards kan.

and every night i would be online again,just to see you there.now,you're no longer online too. i will doa banyak-banyak. ask for forgiveness and petunjuk and such.then i'll sleep soundly.but when i wake up the next day,i cry again.
the process continues on and on.

i don't want to hear your advices unless you know me god damn well. everyone judges everybody else.it's easier to point people's mistakes and go "ahhhh kau salah ni parttt..." but trust me,when it comes to you,you'll realise it's difficult.
im going to remove my tagboard soon as advised by many close friends.

i got to go school soon and then i shall plan something to go out or what.

i still miss you.

central firestation

2010-12-29T00:09:00.000+08:00

the hopeful hopeless day.
jakun nak mati punye perempuan. okay da bye.

change

2010-12-28T01:19:00.002+08:00

yes i know i need to change. everyone has flaws.everyone has to change here and there. that makes us humans right? if you are so perfect,then maybe you don't bother living your life. i make mistakes with my flaws so i will learn and be a better person.

my only fault lies in the way i want and need him.my only fault is loving him and making him my world. so when he left me,i was devastated. im human,i have feelings. i fell in love and i will get better and stronger. give me a fucking break please.

i appreciate your concerns but try walking in my shoes one day. and then you'll understand why.
i didn't cheat.i didn't lie. i didn't do any of that. and now tell me,you leave your bf/gf cause you wanted him/her to change?no. you guide them along to change for the better.

tolong stop it sia. kalau kau perfect sangat,why not tag with your name next time?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

by the way, i had a great night out at lower seletar waterworks (: paddlepop i mane nie???

2010-12-27T13:07:00.001+08:00

he is happier without me.moving on.meeting girls.keeping in contact.
yes i went out with a friend yesterday but it wasn't to forget him or move on. setakat keluar sahaja. hanya aku sorang tahu how i felt inside me now.

i can't move on just likethat.im a girl with feelings.i take time to let go. i take time to forget everything.
everyone who knows him, says he is moving on.and he is happy.he is going out with his friends and is very happy.

well,im happy for you. but somehow or rather im still here waiting.

an eventful night.

2010-12-27T02:59:00.002+08:00

a good night and awesome time spent with budak tempang under the block and went off to meet kakak and abang sani. makan at ecp was good and then we headed down to fort road to play monopoly deal.
abang sani had to run errands and kakak wanted to buy perfume. she bought at a very good bargain. the new escada at one for 69 and two for 79. yes two for 79 bucks.funny right the pricing.
ohhh we came across the red light district of desker and took a look at the girls.ade lawa jugak,boleh tahan.

and atlast dapat makan thosai butter at CMK, headed down to pick wandee and lepak at mcafe.and that's when i saw the girl he cheated me with. wandee panggil dier water rentention kid. hahahaaa.. inside joke. anyways,it was a great night. and i had tons of fun,just laughing away.

i deserve to be happy right?

anyways, thanks for the awesome support from my family and friends. and to you haters, thanks for visiting and taking time off to read up on my life. oh to you anon,i replied to your tag on fb.and i even printscreened your tag. (:have a good time reading and following me, i know you secretly wished you were me.

dahhhlaaaa im going to sleep with a smile on my face. good night.

good to go.

2010-12-26T15:11:00.004+08:00

yesterday was one hell of a ride(: it started off with meeting with the gf and crying out loud.kene marah with her and the bf. but thanks for being there for these past few days. selalu jugak aku turun farrer park sekarang. (: (:
betul ape si bf kau cakap tu kat aku.i really appreciate it.
i bumped into furqan a couple of times btw.

you look like farid kamil btw (: ohhhh bukan furqan macam farid kamil.
i went to newton to eat and movies of tron at cathay. anyways i reached at 5am in the morning with a smile on my face and a great feeling of positivity that things will be better.
thank you.

nari kite keluar jumpe orang tempang !

======================================================================
to you:
"im letting go of everything not cause i can't wait or not cause i don't love you or any other reasons.i sayang you sangat tapi i see i tepuk sebelah tangan and you're happy this way without me.you seem to not care about contacting me at all.take care and happy advanced new year. (:"
===================================================================

her.him.

2010-12-23T10:33:00.004+08:00

"you really love her don't you?"

a simple psychological question.
not a single name was mentioned
but someone came to your mind.
think about it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
yesterday i met up with ain and ayin at orchard for some girl time.i think that's the only best way to cure this heart of mine.you know the feeling where you still have feelings for someone,you don't think of going out with another.ya that feeling.

i bought one heels and one wedges.both are for work actually but it looks good to bring it out on normal days. after that,we proceeded to ming arcade to karaoke and headed home.
it was good,going out and clearing my mind but the journey home sucks.the going to sleep at night sucks.

yesterday he didn't messaged me but he was online and he said hi. well, that's a good start kan? entah.i dont know.
he said "goodnight azirahoneystar.you are always be missed by me.dont sleep too late."
i teared up and started to cry.happy and sad. knowing someone misses you the way you miss them.and miss?love? mane pergi love? entahla. it's weird im like holding onto his every word.
how long am i supposed to wait again?

"Fate controls who walks into your life. You decide who you let walk out, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go."

p.s:im going to be working at siloso.i wish you would come.

cause you don't know him like i do.

2010-12-23T00:37:00.001+08:00

i don't really care what people say about him. you know why? cause i've heard it all from him. he has told me his past,his stories. and i still accept him the way he is. memang dulu-dulu aku insecure.aku ragu-ragu.
and to be honest,when he was at there meeting that person,otak aku memang da fikir bukan2.tempat gitu,who wouldn't kan??
but you know what i tell my gf? i said i know him well enough.i trust him still even after what had happen.
you people don't know him like i do.
do you know what he always do on tues and thurs night? play soccer.
do you know what he does when he is bored?play iphone taiti.
do you know what he wears on his hands?gshock purple watch and that band his late grandma gave to him.he'll never take it out unless for soccer.
do you know what he used to drink alot? coke.
do you know what happened to him in the past with his ex? i know.
do you know when he is hurt,his face changes?i do.
do you know anything about him? i don't think so.
so stop judging. yes he was a player.i was too. and i believe people change for better or worse. and i saw with my own eyes that he changes alot from his past.
so please quit all those hate tags.

and please if he doesn't love me and he goes out with other girls, so what? loving someone doesn't mean you own him.doesn't mean he has to love you back. kau paham tak meaning of sayang orang dengan ikhlas? it means you love him without any conditions.
one last thing,im not angry.not hurt.affected SLIGHTLY.but i know him,walaupun sekejap aku dengan dia tapi aku tahu okay.
last last sekali,masuk rumah orang beri salam kan? jadi masuk sini,takya beri salam takpe,JUST DONT KENCING BERSEPAH KAT SINI.(:

besok aku blog pasal nari mane aku jalan2 dan buat ape.dan beli ape. okay bye goodnight gemuk.
==============================================================

it's wednesday.ladies night.

2010-12-22T13:36:00.004+08:00

haha. nope im not going for any "hit the clubs" things.i had enough of that already. im going down to town later to meet ain and her friend ayin.i want to get heels/wedges for work and maybe just chill there to calm down my heart.

yes i get no more morning messages from him ): sad righhhhtttt? but okay laaa kannnn... what can i do right? just sit down and chillex! first time ever using this word here. all thanks to that person who kept saying this over and over sampai melekat kat kepala otak aku.
everytime i sad, "chillex laaa".. -________-'' get well soon btw to you!

you know the gelisah/uneasy feeling every morning is to think and wonder what he is doing or what's his plans.but im doing okay now for not being kepo and just let him be.
entah la.

dier kalau mahu,dier datang. kalau tak mahu,then takmo datang. tapi kan MUST TELL. SO TAK TERTUNGGU-TUNGGU.
yek ele aku cakap gini,macam daaa dier bace pun. -__________________-''

dah laaaa.. he's probably having a good time now.meeting girls and chatting with them.webcaming with them. i need to think negative so i can fight this.but i know that he isn't like that. ENTAHHHLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
DAH LA AKU NAK SIAP AND KELUAR JUMPE JANTAN.
hahahah..takla. kau ingat aku takde keje,baru kecewa,dah start keluar dengan lain lelaki.not me. i don't do that.not anymore atleast.he can meet allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll the girls he wants.but im NOT going to do the same.cause i know i be lying to myself if i love him,and i go out with others just to forget him.

agak2 malam dier text aku tak?or nari? da da bye!

words i keep within me

2010-12-21T23:43:00.002+08:00

i've been daydreaming about many things. yes i can ONLY day dream about it.nothing much i can do.all about him.about him waiting for me under my block.suddenly appearing and wanting to go out. i watch too many romantic movies laaaa......
it's difficult knowing that all these things are just careless wonderings that will never happen.but i like doing it. i like having hope.
im a very hopeful girl and even though i've been hurt so many times,i still find within me to have hope and faith.

yes im still feeling down or whatever you called it about the whole thing.im allowed to feel this way BUT i need to know when to pick myself up and be strong again.

it's okay if this is the end.ive not regretted one single thing being with him,my choice. he was and i bet he is still a very nice boy. you know when you come to a point that you stop trying on your part just to see if he still cares.to see if you run,would he chase after you? after all you're the girl and he's the boy.get my point?

cause even so much hurt,disappointment i felt within me,it all fades away when i remember his face.everytime i am reminded of that image of him and her,i try to think of him.his smile and the way he knows me well inside out.that calms me down.
it's funny how the very thought of him can make cry and calm me.
i was at wisma for my meeting NYE.and i saw couples hugging and swaying to christmas carols. i wished he was there with me.he would make me laugh so hard that i forget all my worries. at the same time when i looked at people randomly,it hurts.cause he must have bought her somewhere yesterday.

now he is texting me and im replying. memang kalau ikot perasan,macam nak maki je.macam nak cakap,da puas contact dier. but i know people make mistakes especially when they're hurt or angry. and i've made my own fair share of shits to him. you know what after all i thought about his bad points to make me feel better that we're not together, it doesn't change the fact that i love his flaws.his negativity.his worst behaviour and all.sincerely,i love him.
siddiq used to say this to me,when you love someone, love unconditionally. and i think im doing a good job now.
so no matter what he feels for me,if he doesn't love me anymore or 'tawar hati' with me or anything else,i be fine with it. cause when i love him,i don't expect anything from him.ikhlas.

sejahat-jahat mulut wanita ini,hatinya tetap lembut.

i think im going to cut my hair.good night

it hurts knowing this

2010-12-21T12:43:00.004+08:00

first day 20th march 2010.

it hurts knowing that how he asked her out might be the same way he asked me out. the way he asked how tall,and how heavy i was.
the way he asked for webcams.
the one where he'll ask where you stay.
the one where you go to school.
the one he says he lives in bishan.
the one he goes down to meet you and bring you somewhere.
the way he sent you home and said "nanti i msg you."
the way he looks at you.
the way he lets you hold him.

did you take her out to our place?
our teletubbies place? did you take her to bilik?
did you take her out to esplanade?
did you take her out to jurong hill?
did you take her out to places we both went?
did you say things that you said to me?
did she make you feel the same way i did?
did she make you happy?
did she make you smile?
did she make you feel comfortable?

so how's your 20th december?

as im typing this,im crying. why i come here to blog is to let things out.so that i can cry and feel slightly better about all this.i don't want to cry and tell people.im tired and im sure people are tired too. so here i am blogging my heart out.

p.s: i know you're sorry.i still love you the same.and i miss you.

morning madness

2010-12-21T09:42:00.003+08:00

it's hard waking up and being happy. they just don't hand in hand anymore. the reason why im here blogging cause i don't want to be accussed as "pandai berbual","you berbual champion.semua menang." so rather than being blamed for things that i don't mean, i shall just keep quiet. sometimes what i say,turns out differently.turns out rude/mean or even hurting but nope i didn't mean anything bad yesterday.even after i saw them. i still prayed for you. i still hope you ride safely. i still hope that it won't rain.i still hope you'll ride till your meter hits 7. i still hope you'll be happy.

when they left off,i was standing there,speechless. the boy who told me that i was his first love, did this. i can't go on fighting to be with him when im the only one fighting. i can't do it like how i was supposed to do. simple reason cause i went there.'begging' for him.i was pleading for everything.i put down my pride.my ego and finally,when he walked away,my entire system shut down with it.i couldn't think.
this egoistic degil nak mampos girl put down herself just to plead to be with him.that's when i thought about it that maybe im trying too hard.

it's not that i don't want to reply his messages.im just confused.i want to have my own time now.my own space. after what i saw he did,entahla. yes i did worst. yes i still remember that dblo night when i was being such a fucker to him. i told him that i can tolerate and accept anything but not when it involves another girl.

yes i want to change cause i always want to improve myself.i know im not perfect and i know that i still have alot of growing up to do.i know i have flaws and im working on them. no im not going to change for anyone. when haris left me,i didn't change for him. i didn't stop my cheating for him. i did it for me. i did it cause i didn't want the next boy who loves me,gets hurts by lies and my playershits. when i change to stop all those contacting of boys i know he didn't like, i didn't change for him. i change for me. when i stopped drinking and smoking and partying,not for him.for myself. i didn't want to be look upon negatively by society. and i know i can't carry on so long cause my stomach isn't that strong anymore. i know why i stopped is because i want to be a better,happier and good girl. not for my family.not for my friends. for me.

to you,i don't know anymore.i really don't know what to say.i don't know what to do.i just don't know. i don't know. i don't know.i don't know.
i still want you to hug me and let me cry on your chest. i still want to lie down with you and cry,then you'll be reassuring me of how you won't break me apart. i still want my goodbye kiss when you send me at my door.one on my hand.one on my head.one on my lips and one on my right cheek. i just know that i miss you that bad to just hug you and smell you.and i think it'll will chase all my sadness and disappointment away. iloveyoustill. )':

when i lost everything yesterday,i lost my bestfriend too.

yesterday was the day you met me nine months ago. you made me a very happy fat little girl. and yesterday,nine months ahead,you broke me down. you tore me open.

when you want something so bad,you fight for it. when you need someone so bad, you'll make the effort.

insya'allah today will be a good day.amin.

2010-12-21T01:33:00.004+08:00

words cant really describe how i feel right now. when i saw them moving off,her hands on his waist. the very waist i used to hold. the only person who touches him was me. well,i can accept anything in a man.his flaws.his mistakes.but not when it involves another girl.
that's when you'll see my other side of giving up. i know im a fighter and i don't give up on anyone or anything but when it comes to this little thing for me,i can't. i will just keep quiet. and try to clear all the things in my head.in my mind.

the feeling i got for seeing that is as if my heart was stabbed repeatedly and ripped apart.
i don't know what im blabbering about.
im going to cry to sleep.
the girl who is loud and hyper has the lowest days when she'll be quiet.

maybe i deserve the karma.maybe not.
i don't know. all i know ive tried my best. i did not repeat my past mistakes. i tried being a great gf but i thought everyone wasn't perfect. i thought everyone had flaws. i thought everyone still will grow up and change.change is a slow process.

im not going to booze to forget the memories or drown myself in any liquor. im just going hold my head up high and see what's instore for me.insya'allah it'll come naturally.

to you, even though you hurt me likethat,i still love you the same. i don't know why.but i still love you and miss you very much.even more than yesterday.

meet me halfway

2010-12-15T14:40:00.002+08:00

i miss my bf so much. )':
i woke up to his text. yes he still messages me here and there but i know that it's more of a friend msg than a bf one.
i don't know if it's too late to realise that i was unreasonable.yes i was for 8mths plus but he didn't make me realise that what i did was wrong.
nevermind la.
maybe this is it.maybe not.
i've put myself on the line yesterday. i opened up to him and i cried real hard.im going to make him see that im going to fight for this BUT if i see takde improvement or pape pn,then too bad.
i lose.

i don't really know what to say. but im keeping faith. )':

a friend.just a friend

2010-12-14T10:29:00.002+08:00

well,he did messaged me the usual goodmorning and that he has reached school. he added "have a good day ahead".
and i teared up when i woke up. why?
simple actually, it is a friend text to another. not a boy who loves a girl text. i feel horrible and stupid and depressed. tell me now, why didn't he use names he usually calls me? to make it seems less intimate? to make it less personal? to make it more for a friend?

im still crying while typing this. and it sucks to be sick and crying, heartbroken.
no i know im strong but i think im given the right to be sad cause ive given my whole heart to this boy here.and in a split second, everything is gone. and to him,it isn't a breakup.it's a time for us to think and be alone. i know it's like WTF but the love i have for him is the ONLY reason why im putting up with this.that's the only reason why i don't mind being sad and depressed.

there's nothing i can do but wait. well, i got a feeling we are just going to be friends. )':

2010-12-14T01:31:00.001+08:00

he called me. )': on msn. he said goodnight. im going to sleep.im going to try to sleep.
and maybe i might curl up and cry myself to sleep. i could cry so hard that it makes me so tired. i fall asleep. good night anoh.
i just want to say imissyousofuckingmuch.
and i loveyou.

who would want to love a girl like me?

2010-12-14T00:25:00.002+08:00

as i walking home alone,i kept thinking and talking to myself. i was like debating to myself.
i've gotten so many flaws that i doubt anyone would stay with me.
i don't blame people for leaving me. i don't blame anyone really.my flaws are my downfall.

im too insecure.
im over jealous about every other girl.
im too demanding.too particular about everything.
i always want to be in control of my situation. i don't like hanging situations.
i want things to be done my way.
i always want to be right and hate to be wrong.
im okay if im the one late but not others.
there's so much more.wanna hear more?
no im not putting myself down.
im fickleminded.
im whiny.im too pampered.
i need too much attention.
NEED I SAY MORE?

i got so many others.im not being hard on myself really.im just a stupid mean girl.
im so mean that i hate myself for this.
i talk faster than i can think.

so who in the right mind would want to stay with me? who?
i dont deserve anyone. not now.not ever.
i can't expect someone to be perfect when im not one to begin with.
as im typing this,im crying. i don't care if im sounding pathetic.or if you readers are laughing at me.
i was at starbucks with syed.and i cried saying that i don't want to lose him.not now not ever.
i don't know if he loves me enough to be with me.i don't know if he thinks or he knows it's worth it to be with me.

IF THIS DOESN'T WORK OUT, please slap me hard so that i won't fall in love again.
i won't let people in anymore.

seriously i never felt like this. the last time i felt as if i wanted to be a great gf was when i was 17.
he's my bestfriend.he's my boyfriend? i don't know.supergirl needs her boy gemuk.honeystar misses rockstar.azira misses anoh.
).;
im going to sleep and cry and wake up.go to work.go to school.and go to work again for musicmosaic.but i know i be thinking about him.

i miss him.i miss you muhammad noh bin ahmad.im sorry for being a horrible gf to you.im trying hard to be a good girl.):

deactivated fb

2010-12-13T19:25:00.002+08:00

i deactivated facebook.why? cause i dont want people to prive into my personal matters.

to you, i don't want to force you but i rather have sleepless nights in a relationship with you than be alone without you.
just so you know,everyone makes mistakes. i terlepas cakap and i guess it hurt you alot.but just want you to know that i didn't mean to hurt you.not one bit.
i guess i got to try keep my itchy fingers from finding you.and leave you alone.
it's not im not confident.it's not that i don't think we're strong together. i just don't want to take the risk of losing you. the very thought of losing you,freaks me out.
i just know that i really am remorseful of my words.and i didn't mean it at all. i can't be perfect.i make mistakes.but if that you can't accept, then i guess this is it then. i just don't know how anymore to be in a relationship. i suck at love. and if this fails, sumpah aku taknak matair. i just continue going out and schooling. i don't want to let someone in just to have him tear me up.

),:

entahla kan. hati orang mane kite boleh paksa. hidup orang kite takble tentukan.

there's nothing

2010-12-12T21:23:00.001+08:00

im hurt. just likethat.im going to keep mum. and i might be going off to phuket.and leaving everything else that is making me depressed behind.like what i did when i went kl,im going to do it again to phuket. sometimes im not the only one fighting this war. goodnight.

fairmont hotel

2010-12-11T11:01:00.004+08:00

yesterday event was for G/E M/ONEY D&D over at the atrium ballroom at fairmont. it was a good experience handling people that are quite ignorant and who have no basic courtesy of doing a real business.anyways,it was not such a good night but ive learnt quite a few things.

and the most important lesson i've yet to learn is to succumb to pressure.no not peer pressure.but rather pressure from other people when working.
today i will be heading down to hyatt hotel for another event that ends pretty late and i know that i will be bored to tears cause it starts at about 645pm. ):

and im so sad that im not having enough time to spend with rockstar. you know how it feels like when all you want to do is work hard and save money but you got to sacrifice time with the bf, time with the family and friends. and im here juggling 2 jobs and a school.

anyways, have a great saturday. and to those who are going zoukout, have fun and get wasted. kisskiss

back!!

2010-12-09T21:12:00.004+08:00

im sorry people for not updating and you all have nothing to read and be kaypo about. hahah! kidding laaa dengg!!

im pretty busy with work at the playgroup and school right after it almost everyweekday. then i just got an amazing job offer at the music mosaic singapore as a live band coordinator. (: and it pays awesome. 1 hour 10dollars for part time. i went to a few places cause of this new job. i already have events tomorrow,saturday. christmas eve and christmas day also kena burnt! countdown will be at chijmes outdoor. working somemore. takpe it's money even though i did apologise to rockstar about not being able to spend these days with him.

anyways, life has been great. im happy with my new jobs, my school, my family cause mama is coming home this sunday! and then im happy too with my friends even though some are missing in action!

well well, it's true they say that great things come to those who wait. and im glad!
da nak tengok masterchef. and thank you to YOU for fetching me everyday without fail. baik kapeeeee lu!!!!

oh wait wait. yesterday he texted me saying he was too tired to fetch me and i replied him with a sad face but i had to understand cause he has never fail to fetch me. so i had to psycho my classmates to share a cab since they are living around my area too. when i reached my doorstep, i called him a few times but there was no answer. i called his mom and his dad picked up, saying he went out.
guess what?? he wanted to surprise me but in the end, i surprised him! hahahah!!

oh wells, good night people! (:

20th

2010-11-20T14:07:00.000+08:00

happy 20th!
8months have passed pretty quickly and im glad!

anyways,so much to update but naaaahhhhh im going to pass blogging again. im going out on a date. (:

haji

2010-11-13T08:13:00.002+08:00

mama left for the holy land yesterday at around 630pm. it was really a heavy ironically light feeling i got in my entire system. i was sooo elated for her cause she has been wanting to go since a long time ago and im sad and scared at the same time for her.

the time when abang had to laugkan azan infront of the door,i stood behind him with mama at the most front, he did great and he even teared while reciting the azan. it was really a moment that words could not describe at all.

when mama had to go in,she hugged me first followed by kakak,thaqif and abang. i told her to take care of herself and i told her i love her and i want and need her to be back safely. i reminded her to be strong and focus on her mission for GOD. i ensured her that everything will be alright and she should not worry about us at all.

amanah mama sebelum pergi, jaga diri baik-baik. belajar sungguh-sungguh.dengar cakap kakak and abang. dan juga tolong masak kan untuk keluarga,tiap hari seharusnya ada makanan untuk semua.

latest update:mama has reached safely in jeddah. she texted me this morning at around 8am singapore time.
im going to miss you mama. (:

penat dok. gua penat

2010-11-08T17:54:00.002+08:00

im not going to blog about my awesome weekend of secret event *tujuh dulang ehem ehem* BUT I JUST WANT TO SAY I HAD A GREAT LONGWEEKEND DOK!
the movie and lepak session of celebrating ijad's and pos' birthday. and of course the kecoh-kecoh of sunday when everyone came my house to meet mama cause she is going to haji this year, ALHAMDULLILAH.

anyways,nothing much to say cause pictures are on fb.im not going to upload much here anymore.sudah banyak orang bace,i think i need to set up another blog and leave this behind.i was used to writing just for myself.just talking and ranting out,it's spiritual to me.and therauphetic at times too.

i texted rockstar to ask if we are going out, he replied "malam nak go jogging kay gemok". cheeky kan budak ni.actually i've been complaining that im gaining weight like nobody's business.maybe cause im happy right now.asek makan je.asek makan je.hahahaa...

BTW STOP YOUR NONSENSE EH. YES I KNOW ABOUT HIS PAST BUT I STILL WANT TO BE WITH HIM. we're just players trying to commit.

sentosa spooktacular

2010-10-31T20:03:00.003+08:00

SCARY SHIIITTTT! YES IM A SCAREDY CAT,KISSED THE RAT GIRL.HAHAH!!
yesterday my sister,abang sani,sham,bf and me wen to sentosa's spooktacular. it was awesome laaaa......it was the largest asian themed Halloween theme event ever!

there wwere 4 different places to enter.one haunted trail at the merlion tower, two over at the images of singapore,another harmless view at the tiger sky tower.
the day started off pretty early for a saturday outing.i woke up kakak and me met with anoh and sham under our block and rode down to ararb street in search of our makss and costumes if possible. after going to two places, we finally settled on a few items.thank god we only rented masks and wigs.it was fucking damn hot.panas nak mampos!

then we scooted off to far east to get my express manicure and classic pedicure as planneded.blue. lawa laaa.... and cheap too! well,i always pamper myself with mani&pedi.baik bf aku yang bayarkan.sometimes i do pay but sometimes he offer to foot the bill.(:awesome much!

off we went to eat for a while at the seah im interchange while waiting for abang sani.
there were so many people and the queues were sooo lonnnngggg but thank god the trails were great. at this one trail,i was sabotaged by sham and anoh to go to the trail alone.

okay the story was that this man came to our group of about 11 people or so to inform us that it was ladies' night.i thought ladies would have free drinks typically. BUT I WAS SO GODDAMN WRONG. i was just sitting on the chair and minding my business while waiting in line. sham and anoh pointed to me to signal to the man that i would be the 'lucky victim'. at first,i didn't want to. i even said "PUKI." but the man said this in response:"madam,my name is SPOOKIE,not POOKIE" spookie was printed on the back of their tshirts.and coincidentally i blurted out puki. oh wells,i didn't want to be a spoilt brat or be the 'wet blanket' and carried on.
seram giler okay.there were like figurines and wax statues everywhere.creepy and eerie sounds were being played constantly.the "hantus" were frightening us and following us around.some breathed on necks.some would even looked and stared at you. seram dok!

all in all i had great fun! after that went to tang tea house for "dinner". lapar laaa da pekik2. then after that, syam,zam and dan came over to meet us for supper and bowling at ecp.penat sungguh! you know what i love the most about my bike rides with anoh.he would just take my hand and kissed it randomly.and then sometimes,he would do the 'tip-top' fingers on my thighs.kelakar la nie budak.not one boring moment ever. (: oh yes,im in love.alhamdullilah.

thank you for the great times people!kisskiss.tomorrow is monday.and today is my first day menses.haiyo!
pictures are on fb.

haha humairah hahah

2010-10-31T13:05:00.003+08:00

yes i was talking about you. please la. stop your stupid nonsense when all his family hates you. AND HOW I KNOW? HIS SISTER TOLD ME ABOUT YOU. you pretty? jongang? and bopeng? tsktsk. kesian kesian.pictures don't say much.i've seen you before.real life.nope i might be fat or average looking atleast im not ugly with so big teeth and pimpled face.tsktsk.
and please yes, i did break up with haris cause of my own fault.i cheated on him and you think i regret? nope. not one bit.im happier with anoh. thank you very much.
i don't love boys more than they love me. they love me more than i love them. trust me,that's why they are loyal and i WAS NOT.im not the one crying and whining about my bf who doesnt send me to the hospital when i got into an accident.im not the one crying about my bf that listens to his family than me.im not with the bf that doesn't defends me.im not with the bf that throws his tantrums at me whenever he fights with the family. im not the one with a bf that laid his hands on me.booohoooo!!

haha.. and tag laa people..tag! i really enjoyed reading it all. if i learnt or not,suka hati.atleast i dont be stupid to let boys run my life. carry on la blogging/tagging. im brave enough to blog and write your name here. please laa... trust me, you,your friends and your whole family(minus your dad) can be supportive of your bgr with him.but his side? haha.not in a million years. so who is having the last laugh?

p.s:the next time im going to reply you is when you use proper english and free of grammatical errors on your blog. i don't understand minah stupid language when you try to rebutt me.. (:

insecurities

2010-10-29T17:23:00.003+08:00

"in·se·cure

adj.

1. Not sure or certain; doubtful: unemployed and facing an insecure future.

2. Inadequately guarded or protected; unsafe: A shortage of military police made the air base insecure.

3. Not firm or fixed; unsteady: an insecure foothold.

a. Lacking stability; troubled: an insecure relationship.

b. Lacking self-confidence; plagued by anxiety: had always felt insecure at parties."

taken from http://www.thefreedictionary.com/insecurity

well,my problem of being insecure is rather at number 4.both A and B.
it sucks you know to feel insecure in so many forms.yes,it is quite pathetic that i don't like the rockstar to add any girls to his fb.maybe cause im too jealous or maybe cause of his player past. not only that,im rather suspicious of him sometimes. kesian tu budak tau.tak salah pun kene marah kadang-kadang.
i get unnecessary jealousy in me most of the time.i don't really know why. maybe past relationships that failed made me this way.im scared of being left behind but when i think back, relationships that failed either i wasn't really bothered about it or that i screwed up. not many have betrayed my trust in relationships. maybe one or two. the first was that boy behind my house area.im not going to dwell on that anymore.he is happy now.and im happier with this boy with me.

sometimes i get insecure at pretty girls that he looks at.entah laa.sometimes im very confident about myself.susah jugak matair with a boy that has so many kawan perempuan and a past likethat. but i made a vow to myself that if he could accept my past of so tak senonoh,why not me? i can't be selfish.i can't be self-centred. maybe cause im sooo used to dating boys that are really shy with girls, have few girl friends, or had clean backgrounds. well, they say that the ones you end up with will be the opposite of what you wished for. ive seen so many examples of couples ending up of the opposite criteria of their partners.

well,i just hope that by taking a risk and jumping on the bandwagon,i be rewarded greatly. and i really hope that i can try my best to cut down on my insecurities and jealousy.kesian tuh budak.

p.s: balasan kepada orang yang dengki. HE is also watching you. i guess sekarang kau tahu berapa tinggi tu langit. lain kali jangan ketawa kan aku when aku break with haris dulu.sekarang ape jadi. and never ever put your dreams on hold just to get married with a boy.that's so stupid.(:

money.money.no more money.

2010-10-28T17:11:00.003+08:00

training dikir barat has already started for quite sometime and i missed quite a few since my schedule is quite tight with the exams and olevels these past weeks. with work in the morning,then tuition classes,i wonder how i would cope with school later on everyday lak tu!
well,i want a degree,ive got to pay for the price now.i do envy the boy as he doesn't need to work at all while schooling.even on holidays,he didnot need to go find some part time job to cover his expenses. everything is paid for by his mother. anak mak kater kan~

sometimes i wished i had enough courage to tell him to get a job or pester him so that he'll find one. he's hardworking but recently after starting school again,he's a bum now. yes i know he is tired with the 8am to 4pm school days. plus having me as a gf.it is like a part time job already to him.

well,actually i wanted to blog about my insecurities and jealousy issues. but i guess that's another topic for another day.
im going for training real soon. and then he would probably fetch me to send me home.baik kan hati dier. this is him, without me asking for it. he had bought lunch two days in a row. hantar bawah block and hantar aku depan pintu lagi.
yes,he has been quite nice.actually extremely nice. well, sometimes i think i need to slap myself silly in an attempt to wake me up from this. macam bukan reality. i hope he will be like this for as long as he can.

have a good thursday people (: lovelove

paranormal activity 2

2010-10-26T00:17:00.003+08:00

i can't promise you a perfect relationship without arguments over our differences or trust issues,however i can promise you as long as you are trying, im staying. staying with you and not giving up.

we fought real bad and i have to admit it's mostly my big fat mouth. i wasn't being vulgar anymore.i was rude.simply detestable.and rude.tsk tsk. *slaps face*

i called him up at aabout 9plus 10 when i realised he didnt text me as usual. so after i settled the playgroup with colouring, i called his phone, there was no answer.then i called his mama. she picked up and told me that he was sick. he had stomach flu or something likethat sort. and she woke him up despite me saying no. i told him to get an mc to cover for today's lesson. and he went to AMK by himself, took MC.and texted me to ask if im meeting him and if i had tuition. then after my tutee had papers that timing, i informed him that tuition was cancelled and he told me okay. he simply said he wanted to buy tickets to watch movies.
he didn't ask the time and title or even told me about those issues.

it may be a small gesture that boyfriends buy girlfriends movie tickets.BUT I APPRECIATE IT ALOT AND IT MAKES ME SO TOUCHED cause he took the initiative to make all those decisions. and lagi2 after we had WORLD WAR THREE! he was so sweet. serious serious.
i don't anyhow puji orang even if my bf or not. i also say what's really true.

anyways,i had a great monday and it did replace my shitty saturday and sunday.thank you bf. and yes we all are human.we make mistakes.we learn.but as long as we stay and never give up,things will get better. ily bb. (:

goodnight rockstar.kisskiss.

fucking pissed off

2010-10-24T02:03:00.003+08:00

well, this will be the first ever post im going to bitch about the rockstar. aku bingit banget!

one thing about me is that i MUST go out on either friday night or saturday night,sometimes on both nights. why? oh fuck why? cause i usually be working or schooling and be at home early on weeknights thus i take my fridays and saturdays seriously.AND IF IM NOT OUT,I BE FUCKING PISSED.

okay you are a boy and my boyfriend. you are supposed to console me and calm me down when im having PMS or not having a great day.
i always look forward to meeting him and going out with him BUT sometimes things happen and then tak jadi jumpe. i hate it.let me rephrase it, I FUCKING HATE IT.
and then when you spoil my long awaited night,i have to wait another 5more days or so to go out dating with you. like wtf? it may mean nothing to go out and spend time together to YOU but it means the world to me. if it means kappisshh to you, then maybe you should rethink why are you in a relationship with me??

to me,no matter how bad we are fighting,if you already promised me to meet,you fuckingly meet me.paham tak kat dalam tu kepala otak?? nie tidak, tiba2 cancel.not once or twice.many many many countless times.

sometimes i just am being very mean,but thats mean i throw tantrums. i know he doesn't deserve it sometimes but other times,he is really asking for it.
i know im a little too much to handle.aku ngade2.aku too pampered.im hot tempered.i talk without tapis. BUT WHEN IM REALLY NICE,WHICH IS MOST OF THE TIME, YOU NAIK LEMAK.KASI MUKA NAIK KEPALA!!

note to self:stop being too fucking egoistic.

at this point now,he asked for a breakup. )': good night. tomorrow is a new day. insya'allah things will be better for me. i have gone through alot.this is nothing.

PLAYGROUP

2010-10-22T17:00:00.002+08:00

HELLO PEOPLE!!
it has been awhile since i last updated here.so what's new with me?
i have a part time job from 9am till 2pm to teach playgroup over at kim tian road. it is definitely great fun to play and teach them kids from as young as 2-4 years old.
i teach them nursery rhymes, the alphabet, numbers and art&craft lessons.

so far ive been with them since tuesday.ive taught them nursery rhymes of 'the wheels on the bus go round and round', 'itsy bitsy spider', 'little teapot', 'head & shoulders,knees and toes' and so on. ive made a few drawing & colouring lessons and also not forgetting the new songs ive learnt. mane tak gerek kalau joget2 hari2 and nyanyi2 je keje.hahaha!!

it has been nothing but great. it takes a lot of patience to teach them and plan the lessons but it has been an adventure.
after such a long time of not fighting,we broke into a huge squabble on wednesday night and finally, we got it solved yesterday night. he was being rude and mean but cause i was likethat first.
he is definitely such a sweetheart.sometimes i do say he is taking me for granted but if you know how he treats me,you would say i have it good with him.

last thursday,the boy and i went to jb to catch the movie 'the child's eye'.merepek okay!
last friday was sham's bday and we went to newton where he treated me,anoh,khalid nia and fendi to seafood! sedap.CHANKCHUIK!!
AFTER THAT,WE WENT TO KARAOKE LAAAAA!! APE LAGI!

today im going to meet the rockstar and then going to either watch PA2 or karaoke. we will plan first.ohhh! im going to wear my maxi rainbow dress ive bought online.so far being at home last week,i've bought like 5 pieces of baju.tsktsk.tak keje tapi abeskan duit je tahu aku nie!!
tomorrow is a family event im looking forward to.i can't say much now.hushhush event.

have a great weekend people!!

my girls

2010-10-16T15:59:00.004+08:00

i really miss those nights where we would just laze around, maybe playing monopoly or just lepak and talk crap. whilst laughing our hearts out till it ached.
no more of that nights. why? one is away in australia and i know it will be another 6 months before she comes back here....
the other is busy with work and bf too.her shifts are horrendous with timings that clashed with mine and she had to cancel yesterday due to her not being well.
the other is too busy with school,tuition.partying and drinking with friends.
i miss us being together.when everyone would just meet ATLEAST once a month to eat and talk.
but now?

well,i want to say this here since it's my page and since we are tight as ass, i want to be honest so no offence to anyone really.
i also got other friends and i have a boyfriend too.i have work now.i have tuition.i have trainings lagi but sometimes it's nice to be asked right. aku percaya laaa if that person wants to meet you,he/she will.no excuses no reasons.nothing.

well,im tired of trying to make dates with anyone really.biar aku diam sudah.kalau rasa da free,then you know my number. (:

i really miss you girls.just plain good fun.

2010-10-15T03:50:00.004+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUHAMMAD NURHISHAM AJMAIN!!

i wish all the best for you in your future endevours and may your life be filled with happiness and health.
orang yang baik akan dapat bende-bende dan orang-orang yang baik dalam hidupnya.insya'allah. just be patient aje ye!

and thank you for being there all the way since the day ive known you in poly.aku berterimakasih sangat terhadap kau.
see you tomorrow! i've got a present for you!! entah kau suka ke tak laaa.... (:
THANKS FOR BEING ONE OF MY CLOSEST FRIEND.

HAPPY 26TH!!

courtesy la dude!

2010-10-15T03:01:00.003+08:00

just want to get this off my chest.

i don't mind lending people money for whatever reasons.or to pay for someone first when he/she is short of cash.seriously ask my friends.
bukan nak jadi bangga or riak that i baik sangat but to me,duit tak bawak mati same goes to rokok and whatnots.
but once you say anywhere that includes "i pay you back",i take it seriously.unless i say "takpe,it's on me."
it's basic courtesy to go to the person and say "eh aku gaji bla bla bla...nanti aku transfer kau.." BEFORE the person approaches you. it's like you owe money but we chase you like a dog?? fair much?
i might not be very rich laa but i have been lending pple money so often or paying for someone first that i get stepped on many times!! and im tired of these. i dont care the amount big or small but courtesy ah dok! tknk bayar cakap tknk bayar.tak kasi grandfather grandmother story.abeh kite pulak kesian kan dorang and we feel bad about asking them in the first place.look at one fine example.70 is indeed small.very small.

he gave me so many stories such as his allowance is valid this date and he'll transfer to me. then when the date arrived,i gave him a few more days then I WAS THE ONE WHO TEXTED HIM and he could say that his dad transferred already.and then in the end,i got the cat out of the bag when he finally say he won't pay!

it's not the amount seriously.it's basic courtesy.it's like KAU TAK PAISEH KE ORANG MINTAK2 DUIT BALIK??
so guys and girls,morale of story is taknak bayar cakap je.tak miskin pun orang2 macam aku pun tak dapat jamah duit kite balik yang sedikit tu.
good night!! tomorrow newton and karaoke!

ps:i feel like putting his face here as he was the main 'inspiration' for this post but entah la...we see how it goes.

the dinner dates

2010-10-12T13:24:00.005+08:00

there is no such thing as too much food and eating when it comes to me.
especially im a big fan of having dinner to celebrate birthdays.
we had not one but FOUR DINNERS!
we had dinner on last two fridays at TIMBRE and then birthday dinner again on friday at town and after that movie of THE OTHER GUYS.saturday birthday dinner (again) at D'Rubinahs of tomyam,sayur and telor dada and drinks. it cost us $10.50.murah or whatttt!! sunday he was craving pizzahut.

GEMUK JUGAK BF AND GF NIE! nevermind it's okay,we are pretty much happy. da cukup with celebrating his birthday. end of birthday dinners!!

pictures of me and him.kalau tak suka,takpayah tgk (:

azira hart

rumours has it

a girl/guy can take so much for all the other's actions & words. But one day, he/she will wake up and realise they deserve better.Wouldn't it be a pity that the person who is willing to put with your worst, is going to leave you.

i spoke too soon

june

last night at O

well well well

i lost the friend i called LOVE.

trip on my own!

i dont know about you

just some time alone.

:I won't leave because things are hard but i WILL leave if things are not worth it anymore.

amin.

dear god, can i ask for something before bed tonight? make me a stronger person when i wake up.I havent been the best person around. but im nice. I can be exceptionally nice sometimes. so if not a lot, i deserve that little bit of happiness.

girls and all the drama

ain't i naive.

im not ready to settle down. am i?

shafie

rantings from the heart

the happenings.

_!_

hello world

rantings

life this week

reflections

monday date

bestbest.

last.

dolmat

harrasment.

what's up?

virgin experience

angst.disappointment.sadness.

a note to myself

blessed

the elephant and the tree night

how i am feeling.

miss you.

flaws and all.

TGIM!

friday to sunday oh!

let me vent here abit.

TRUST.

tuesday night

insecurities at its finest.

fight.argue.

sometimes.just sometimes

you just dont know.

life has been good.

TGIM

it hurts

inside.

saturday night love.

tell tale sings of a player

friday night with love

if you're defensive, it must mean something

wednesday night.ladies night.

tuesday night

i still think of you. i dont think you do.

monday night.

thank you!

a new beginning

goodbye 2010.hello 2011

stupid.

insomnia.

routine

central firestation

change

an eventful night.

good to go.

her.him.

"Fate controls who walks into your life. You decide who you let walk out, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go."

cause you don't know him like i do.

it's wednesday.ladies night.

words i keep within me

it hurts knowing this

morning madness

meet me halfway

a friend.just a friend

who would want to love a girl like me?

a girl/guy can take so much for all the other's actions & words. But one day, he/she will wake up and realise they deserve better.

Wouldn't it be a pity that the person who is willing to put with your worst, is going to leave you.

dear god, can i ask for something before bed tonight? make me a stronger person when i wake up.

I havent been the best person around. but im nice. I can be exceptionally nice sometimes. so if not a lot, i deserve that little bit of happiness.